Tonight.

Step one is admitting that you have a problem, right? Well, here it is. I have a problem...or two or three.
I took a few small baby steps today to help with my problems. First of all talking about what I think to be a problem could be the first order of business.
This house looks like a frat house, to put it bluntly. I am not sure whether it is my depression that links to this apathy or lack of motivatiom but it really sucks. The crazy part is that I can not stand it such a mess. I meam absolutely can not take it. But...I do nothing about it. I feel like I cant change it. Why? Because I know that I can. I say to myself I dont feel like it or ill do it all tomorrow. Procrastination has become an enemy of late. The more depressed I become the more I seem to lose myself. But today I did take a step. Small but true. I cleaned the kitchen - everything but the floor. Even the fridge got cleaned out.  I had plans to then finally do the litter but we were out of trash bags so I couldnt. But I also did some laundry just a few and I changed the sheets which I have been putting off. Like the sheets for example...I hateeeeeeed what they felt like. They felt dirty and crummy and everything. But..I felt like I didnt want to changed them or I couldnt because everything else in the house was a mess. Its really weird how the brain works when there is an imbalance. Thats my premature diagnosis anyways.
Another problem I am having believe it or not I just realized follows suit with the previous problem just this time it is my body. I am so sick of not having a shower at this house. I do know that I can take a bath it just isnt ideal and the tub isnt clean. But I feel dirty and oily and unclean. Tough skin and smelly feeling. I do nothing about it until I have to. If I had a shower here at home I would everyday. Now its every three to five. Only because theres no shower. I slack off on shaving..lotioning..tweezing. I miss making my hair pretty all the time. Everything like that. Im beginning to see a pattern.
Then there is a similar pattern to follow suit as well. I have the same feelings about my size.  I feel massive these days. My weight in Cleveland was horrid. It really msde me upset. I want to eat well and ne active so so so bad. I know the tools. I have a great partner to do it with. I just feel like I cant. Like I am defeated before I even start. I wish I could find the answers. I wish I could figure out why I cant seem to move forward with these problems that are holding me back.