Today was just an ordinary day for the most part, nothing to offset the usual; however, I do feel the need to write about something exceedingly near and dear to my heart. I believe that everyone's true colors come out some time or another. Whether intentionally or non-intentionally the good, the bad, and the ugly start to emerge with time or different circumstances. I have learned in my 24 odd years on this earth that the people that I have known all my life are not all that they truly have seemed to be. The older I get the wiser I become. I never used to think that would happen or that the phrase was true. I thought it was merely a remark made by elders to force all of the young folks to feel as though they don't understand anything. However I have discovered the latter.
There is something about each person that rubs us the wrong way upon meeting said individual. Whether you have known them your whole life or just a few short months, we always notice something about every person that gets under our skin, rubs us the wrong way, or just simple doesn't fit or we don't approve of. Lately, maybe it is because of all that I have been through; I have noticed that more and more people in my life have been either disappointing me or rising above my initial first impression of them. Or perhaps it is my ability to really read people, see through motives, or I could be indeed judgmental, you choose. However, I wouldn't be so quick to think the latter until you hear the rest of the story.
Someone that I have been close to my entire adult life, some of my adolescence has been living in a way that I, and most people, would not deem appropriate. I value being a mother more than anything else on this planet and one day I plan to be one as well. But a different kind I guess you could say. I cherish the idea of having someone to love you unconditionally, forever and always. I can't wait for the day that I hold that being that I was able to conceive, grow in my body, and give birth to. That will be my number one importance in my life and I will sacrifice anything and everything for him or her. I believe that a level of class demonstrates what kind of mother you will be. No, I'm not talking about money or wealth of any kind; unless you are speaking of wealth of morality or moral fiber. There are so many examples of which I will rise above in my life to give my child and I just can't come to terms with someone I have been close to treating their daughter or son in this way. A broken family happens. I grew up in one. That doesn't mean that raising that child like a slapstick comedy is appropriate. Reading stories, teaching him/her to walk, bath time, teaching him/her to feed themselves, playing catch, dancing, taking photographs, smiling and laughing together; the list goes on and on. But this list is just a small tribute to what I would be doing with my child instead of running around like I am a thirteen year old girl who just discovered her genitals and had her first beer.
Now, one may think I am being a bit harsh. But when it comes to another human being's life, I don't think that one can be subtle if someone is out of line (and has been for awhile). This is the same person who didn't do a damn thing for me emotionally even during my cancer. How can I expect anything from that person then? I guess I shouldn't.
Another remarkable instance that I have been encountering lately is that of a person that I have known since birth. Grew up together, played together; we were inseparable at one point. This last year (for some reason) has changed it all. Cancer to this person meant the common cold. Funny enough because they should know about it being their chosen profession. I just have been offended over and over and over and (well, you get it). To me, there is a certain melody to the sound of victory; however, brutal one must get. My recipe triumphed giving me a sense of pride, as silly as that sounds. (only a few people will know what this means and for the sake of this story it really is not important) The only thing that is needed to be taken from this is my being and core has been shaken by the upheaval of a relationship with this person. Coming from a family who struggled to put a meal on the table, I take pride in what I have. I try not to let others and their sense of snobbish take my spirit, although this individual has stolen my spirit time and time again. I refuse to be told that I do not understand something from someone who has been given everything. You know those people who coasted through high school, got college paid for for them by their daddies and mommies, never had a single problem all the years of their lives? Those people who don't lift a finger or work for a damn thing? I'm sure we all know those people and have had some put us all down. Well, that description fits this people to a tee. Their very nature rattles me to my core just thinking about being in the same room with them. How funny that is that only ten years ago all I wanted was to be accepted by this person, to be loved, and wanted around by this person. Now, all I want is miles between us and no rear view.
There is a sense of respect my stories are lacking, I know. But how can I respect people who disrespect me? Who spit in my face (figuratively)? I'm sorry, but no one on this planet should ever put someone down for the sake of putting them down.
On another note, these two people (two heartless beings if I do say so myself) do not measure to the amazing people that have been in my life and have lifted my spirits, shaken my bad thoughts, and pulled me out of the water when I was drowning (so to speak). I am thankful for what I have. But although I am not finished with my examples of disappointment (that I'm sure you all can relate to) - I can't help but feel very slighted by the two people I used to love and depend on. Now, like I said keep your bad attitude as far away from me as possible. I'm on the mend and your negativity and plot to bring me down will not work.
I have been told, "Oh Alison, you are too open." I've also come across words being whispered, "she is such a drama queen about her own life." What I have to say to that -- Well sugar, I have nothing to hide. My life may be imperfect, but I sure as well wake up every morning with a reason to live and I have made a choice to better myself so that one day I will become all that I have ever dreamed and for me - that is enough.
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