All because I slept.

If ever there was a time to start blogging again, it would be now. Everything is fresh in my mind. I can watch it all like a movie on the big screen.

Conscience and subconscience working together to bring the onslaught of a thousand washed up hopes. I wonder, ponder, worry, and despair over it all. As my other thoughts that lie below the surface are shufted into nightmares, dreams of a sort.

How can the mind be so powerful to recall your worries as you sleep? It personifies all of our deepest fears and desires, nearly mocking us into a fainted reality only to be woken by the sun as it rises overhead. Never did I feel more defeated but when these hauntings consume me. Mood and feeling are altered by the mere accusation that all could be lost in a simple instant. It could come back.

I assure you, there would be no parade or welcome as it arrived to settle in. The burning, aching fear still lives within me. Does anyone even know or care to notice? Or do I walk around with a sign on my face and all those who I thought would care simply are used to the sign. Peace is a stranger. I wish it were different.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick Part II

Sometimes there really isn't much you can say to a person. Other times all you want to do is cuss them out like Sailor from NYC. (Anyone who knows a sailor or a NY native knows what I mean.) The people who usually fall under either situation are probably being a dick in some way. When I say probably, I mean they definitely are.
When someone close to you is being a dick you can handle the situation either of the above mentioned ways. There are times when I start out with the silent treatment, because anything you say to them is breath otherwise wasted. Then there are other times where you can't help but play therapist. You genuinely want to help correct their dick-ism but they just aren't having it.
Then you must resort to freaking out on them and yelling obscenities at them to get them to come to earth. Telling them you won't sit with them and eat biscuits at BoJangles, when they're sad, anymore because they're being a dick.. sometimes really works.
Whatever the case may be people need to understand one thing..everything you say or do...look or feel affects..someone else. Whether you want to admit it or not, you googling something changes you. As does going to Kroger instead of Wal-Mart. Everything has its own equal and individual repercussions. This usually gives someone the fuel to either be a good person or even just normal cool human being or to live in the land of being a dick.
On a more serious note, I need to say that I really want to write about something that happened to me tonight specifically. It needs to be a separate blog because it is very involved, emotional, and needs thought more than I can put in on just a blogger app. But the subject falls into the trend of "Living in the Land of Being a Dick" because it is about someone who should reside there. It is about a disrespect that has manifested for years but is now being shown with a magnitude I never thought possible.

To be continued...
In conclusion ladies and gents, stop being a dick. And if you aren't then people who are being dicks to you in your life remember how to deal with them. Stop letting them float on their dick train and ruin you or your day.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick.

There is almost nothing positive I see going on in this world these days. I take everything in stride after I've been through hell and back, but it is almost impossible to remain optimistic about the world today. It wouldn't be such a big deal if strangers were being dicks to you but when it is people you have to deal with only a regular basis, that just isn't cutting it for me. Whether it be your co-workers, your best friend, your fellow student peers, your brother, your favorite local waitress - these tantrums, these childish activities, this lack of responsibility, the apathy that people all around me display on a daily or sometimes even momentary basis is absurd to me. Who woke up and said hey I'm going to be a dick to my "bestfriendsisterpeerwhatever" today? I sure don't do that. The funny thing is then when they switch out of this pathetic dick mode, they almost expect you to greet them with a fucking parade like hey I'm back from the land of being a dick let's go for coffee. Uhm, no. Sorry I am not a sell out for a cheap mochachino, okay. Your behavior goes way beyond the realms of normal and if this was the 1700s I would put you in a guillotine. Maybe just to scare you but if you hurt me or my feelings, then fuck you chop that head off or hang you for witchcraft. My main purpose of this rant is to serve as an example and maybe wake someone up who is being a dick. Okay I have a final exam tomorrow so I need to stop my rant and sleep. But all of you being a dick and living in the land of ultimate dicks, stop or you are gonna lose really great people from your life.

A simile.

It was nothing like anything I had ever done before. The feeling was unique to that moment. I especially loved being on the back when Mark was driving. He had my life in his hands, just like he has my heart. The metaphor was simple really and all too perfect. Gliding through the air at a speed like that, no one but him and fate to protect me. Something may seem a bit macabre about having life on the precipice of death only to be on the precipice of the meaning of life. A beautiful simile: to be free. Feeling free and reveling in it; an all consuming propulsion outwards into what we know as the world. Extrovertion commandeers; while the weight is shifted. Freedom comes in all different ways, no matter how it comes about. One may never be free from themselves, condemned always by a rooted fear deep within. Once those nightmares shatter and the veil dissipates, it is like a new day arrives with a glimmer of what it means to be free. I'm bound by the chains of fear and pain, illness and worry. For a moment in time, I break free from those bindings to discover the me that is underneath the surface of darkness. Although perhaps it is brief, it summons a rising hope. For the future may hold a permanent freedom, a final peace to have and to hold all the days until the end.

An eloquent agreement with oneself.

There are times when words can not describe what you are feeling. All that can escape from you are waves of salty streams flowing down your cheeks, and thats okay. Sometimes you need to cry. There are those moments in life where the last straw has been broken and all we are left with is our vulnerable selves. No one ever said life would be simplistic, but when did it become second nature to accept that we aren't moving forward. The only way to feel and move on is to let it all in. Don't block out your emotions. All it will do is grasp onto your very breath and suffocate you, starting with your heart. The symbolism we all know to be love in our chest cavities. However split at the seams, however lost in the wilderness, we all deserve an epic adventure. Teaching onself to revel in what it is like to be human and experience life as if it was your last moment is one of the most difficult expenditures I have ever bestowed upon myself. An eloquent servitude of humanity and all its wonder. Such a fragile existences however shaken we may be, we remain strong. The monumentous occasion of self actualization doesn't come with instant gratification but with a coy hint of patience. At times it can be frustrating. To know that all our lives we are nothing but an uphill battle until we reach the fulfillment of our true destiny. The rare occasion of forseeing one's fate is only accomplished by few in a lifetime. To have a story to pass on and a livelihood to be cherished is an eventual goal we all can admire.

Last minute.

When I write, I do it not for you but for me and my soul.  This soul's a tarnished one, blood stained from reality and her coy knives in the side. Reality, how playful with a dark premise over what is and was.

- Photography by Alison
www.facebook.com/wheelingphotogtaphy

April 7th: 10:35 PM.

Norfolk, Virginia. Who would have thought it? Naval community where Caucasian is a minority, but yet the minute my feet hit the sand this evening it felt right to be here. My search for inner peace is not something I take lightly. I can't believe that of all the times in my life, now is when I am finally coming to terms with who I am and what I was put on this wondrous earth to do. This vacation is mine and I have been told to do whatever it is that I want to do while I am here to help find peace from within.

The trip down was pretty alright. 8 hours in a vintage old tank with no A/C wasn't too bad considering, I had my bestie. We ate sandwiches, talked and laughed, discovered a theory about my family, and laughed some more. Being carefree is what your 20s are all about. I am almost half way through with my 20s and it has been the most hellish until recently. Having to go through what I have endured renders me shameless and ready to move on with my life and have a hell of a good time.

Something I discovered today as I laid there in the passenger seat with the sun beaming through the windows onto my pale skin. I was born at the wrong time. What about the 20s? Such a wonderful time; 20s Chicago. 50s as a beautiful pin-up model. 60s - now we are talking...hippies, peace, free love, drugs (don't judge - if you were a hot hippy you would enjoy yourself as well). How about the 70s? Eh, no thanks..Zepplin or the Eagles, boo. But you get the point! I think my past life (if that exists) was spent doing something much more meaningful than modern medial activities. I mean in a society where Kim Kardashian is all that people can talk about - yeah, makes me want to blow my brains out.

Right now, I believe that inner peace is something that comes from within but is stimulated by something on the outside. I don't think that one day you can just stare at a wall on Wall Street or look into a mirror at a mall and realize your inner chi and journey in this life. A modern world is a difficult one. I doubt that my inspiration will come from something that is materialistic or modern. At this point, what seems to be inspiring me are the four classic elements; earth, wind, fire, water. I am hoping to be more one with each of these in some way, especially the water this week as I am right on the ocean. I hope to write more about each of these and their influences in my life. As I yearn to discover how they bring me into being me.

A true adventure, a wanderlust full of new places, new photographic opportunities - that is where I need to be as I heal from the wounds I have endured. I am so thankful for Maunie for giving me this experience as I hope to give her inspiration to find her niche in this world too. Continue to inspire one another any way you can by reaching out to those who have endured the worst or simply just lost their way.

Just a Day.

Today was just an ordinary day for the most part, nothing to offset the usual; however, I do feel the need to write about something exceedingly near and dear to my heart. I believe that everyone's true colors come out some time or another. Whether intentionally or non-intentionally the good, the bad, and the ugly start to emerge with time or different circumstances. I have learned in my 24 odd years on this earth that the people that I have known all my life are not all that they truly have seemed to be.  The older I get the wiser I become. I never used to think that would happen or that the phrase was true. I thought it was merely a remark made by elders to force all of the young folks to feel as though they don't understand anything. However I have discovered the latter. 

There is something about each person that rubs us the wrong way upon meeting said individual. Whether you have known them your whole life or just a few short months, we always notice something about every person that gets under our skin, rubs us the wrong way, or just simple doesn't fit or we don't approve of. Lately, maybe it is because of all that I have been through; I have noticed that more and more people in my life have been either disappointing me or rising above my initial first impression of them. Or perhaps it is my ability to really read people, see through motives, or I could be indeed judgmental, you choose. However, I wouldn't be so quick to think the latter until you hear the rest of the story.

Someone that I have been close to my entire adult life, some of my adolescence has been living in a way that I, and most people, would not deem appropriate. I value being a mother more than anything else on this planet and one day I plan to be one as well. But a different kind I guess you could say. I cherish the idea of having someone to love you unconditionally, forever and always. I can't wait for the day that I hold that being that I was able to conceive, grow in my body, and give birth to. That will be my number one importance in my life and I will sacrifice anything and everything for him or her. I believe that a level of class demonstrates what kind of mother you will be. No, I'm not talking about money or wealth of any kind; unless you are speaking of wealth of morality or moral fiber. There are so many examples of which I will rise above in my life to give my child and I just can't come to terms with someone I have been close to treating their daughter or son in this way. A broken family happens. I grew up in one. That doesn't mean that raising that child like a slapstick comedy is appropriate. Reading stories, teaching him/her to walk, bath time, teaching him/her to feed themselves, playing catch, dancing, taking photographs, smiling and laughing together; the list goes on and on. But this list is just a small tribute to what I would be doing with my child instead of running around like I am a thirteen year old girl who just discovered her genitals and had her first beer.

Now, one may think I am being a bit harsh. But when it comes to another human being's life, I don't think that one can be subtle if someone is out of line (and has been for awhile). This is the same person who didn't do a damn thing for me emotionally even during my cancer. How can I expect anything from that person then? I guess I shouldn't.

Another remarkable instance that I have been encountering lately is that of a person that I have known since birth. Grew up together, played together; we were inseparable at one point. This last year (for some reason) has changed it all. Cancer to this person meant the common cold. Funny enough because they should know about it being their chosen profession. I just have been offended over and over and over and (well, you get it). To me, there is a certain melody to the sound of victory; however, brutal one must get. My recipe triumphed giving me a sense of pride, as silly as that sounds. (only a few people will know what this means and for the sake of this story it really is not important) The only thing that is needed to be taken from this is my being and core has been shaken by the upheaval of a relationship with this person.  Coming from a family who struggled to put a meal on the table, I take pride in what I have. I try not to let others and their sense of snobbish take my spirit, although this individual has stolen my spirit time and time again. I refuse to be told that I do not understand something from someone who has been given everything. You know those people who coasted through high school, got college paid for for them by their daddies and mommies, never had a single problem all the years of their lives? Those people who don't lift a finger or work for a damn thing? I'm sure we all know those people and have had some put us all down. Well, that description fits this people to a tee. Their very nature rattles me to my core just thinking about being in the same room with them. How funny that is that only ten years ago all I wanted was to be accepted by this person, to be loved, and wanted around by this person. Now, all I want is miles between us and no rear view.

There is a sense of respect my stories are lacking, I know. But how can I respect people who disrespect me? Who spit in my face (figuratively)? I'm sorry, but no one on this planet should ever put someone down for the sake of putting them down.

On another note, these two people (two heartless beings if I do say so myself) do not measure to the amazing people that have been in my life and have lifted my spirits, shaken my bad thoughts, and pulled me out of the water when I was drowning (so to speak). I am thankful for what I have. But although I am not finished with my examples of disappointment (that I'm sure you all can relate to) - I can't help but feel very slighted by the two people I used to love and depend on. Now, like I said keep your bad attitude as far away from me as possible. I'm on the mend and your negativity and plot to bring me down will not work. 

I have been told, "Oh Alison, you are too open." I've also come across words being whispered, "she is such a drama queen about her own life." What I have to say to that -- Well sugar, I have nothing to hide. My life may be imperfect, but I sure as well wake up every morning with a reason to live and I have made a choice to better myself so that one day I will become all that I have ever dreamed and for me - that is enough.

Thinspiration with a hearty appetite: Pesto Chicken Alfredo

Today was a day for my man and I to be off together. We saw the movie "Warm Bodies" this afternoon; however adorable, not my favorite. The love story was cute though. Anyways, on the way home we stopped at the store to get ingredients for a dish that I made a few weeks ago in which he was been requesting ever since. It is from his Nan's recipes: Pesto Chicken Alfredo. For how hearty it is, the serving size of 1 1/2 cups is only 475 calories, which really isn't bad because it is so filling and the best pasta I have ever had (if I do say so myself).

I'll make this recipe easy to follow. I'm going to type it in a list today also because I have it cooking and I can't wait to enjoy it!

- Boil 1 lb. penne noodles. (I use wheat)

- Cook (steam) 4 oz. boneless skinless chicken breast. Seasoned with Nature's Seasoning.

- Mix 1/2 C bread crumbs, 2 T EVOO, and 1/2 C shredded parm (set aside for topping)

- When noodles and chicken are finished, mix them in a large mixing bowl with; 1 can crushed tomatoes, 1 jar Alfredo sauce, pesto sauce (I made with a packet of pesto, some basil, and EVOO), 1 1/2 C milk (I use skim), 2 C shredded mozzarella, 1 1/2 C shredded parm.

- Once thoroughly mixed, sprinkle bread crumb mixture ontop of dish.

- Cover with foil & bake in the oven on 350 for 40-45 minutes.

Then ENJOY! It really is an amazing dish. Wish I had a photo of it for you all. But trust me when I say this is the best - better than Olive Garden (which used to be my favorite alfredo). This recipe I found from Pinterest, so I'm not sure who to credit but thank you!

Today was also weigh-in Wednesday. I lost a half pound since I started on Monday! Goes to show that each day, each little change really does add up. Those good choices one plus one really do keep surmounting to something we strive for. Although I am far from my goal, I did my hair and makeup today and went out with an amazing man who makes me feel beautiful beyond measure. 

As the next few days come, I hope that our choice for moving or vacationing this summer or staying put really becomes easier. I can't imagine anything changing right now. All I know is that the more snow I see and the cold temperatures here the more I want to head start to the beach like we have thought about for 12-weeks for post cancer finding yourself because you have an amazing man that you want a future with type thing. Well, we shall see!

Photography Tribute.

A moment can be captured in a memory.
But how quickly the shelf life of that thought fades.
It may last a week, a decade, or perhaps only an hour.
A fading begins to occur, whether it be a withering of age or interest,
The haze over facts or feelings take hold.

A memory in time is too precious to be forgotten.
The greatest method to hold steadfast to our fondest memories,
To keep all the days of our lives is photography.
Documenting for future generations, to pass down.

Nothing stirs more emotions intertwined with a memory than an old photograph.
Experiencing an emotion on a loved one's face,
Possibly a shot of someone who isn't with us anymore,
Can only be seen with the eye because of a photograph.
The brain is fantastic with documentation and filing events;
However, the details of a photo can never be replaced.

The color shirt she wore or the tie that he never took off;
These are precious facts that we lose about our loved ones over the years.
Not every memory is of a lost loved one,
but there are other sentiments can be exhibited through only photography.
The only way to remember each smile line on a young groom's face,
As his glowing bride walked down the aisle is by taking a photo of it.

A baby changes exceedingly fast.
Three months, six months, twelve months;
Oh the difference. Lay, sit, stand, then run.
So many new emotions for that child to explore,
all of which can be captured through a lens and a lens only.

The beauty taken in from a bride, a baby, an elderly couple,
A strong man returning from deployment, a senior in high school;
Each of these radiating exquisite beauty and excellence.

If family, love, memories, and happiness are prided in your household,
You will want to contact Photography by Alison
For breathtaking, unique images for your every meaningful occasion.

www.facebook.com/wheelingphotography

Short Story: Plaguesis

I wish I knew why I had become human again. Rosy cheeks, warm and supple skin; features that I had not possessed for nearly a century. This gift has been rumored to come to a slight many of my kind. But how? I was seemingly chosen to lie among the few.
No warning preceded my transformation back into a being with a beating heart. No weakening of my powers or a solitary tell tale sign of a fragile existence that I had become once more. I was born human. It could be that Tellus is finally raising up an army against Plaguesis.
Can this be true? Plaguesis has ruled the land for over 125 years. I witnessed when the Darkness covered the mountains, the oceans, and the trees and all of Tellus's beautiful creations fell to servitude at the hands of Plaguesis. He has reeked wide spread panic, chaos, and death; immortal beasts, the Darkness, and even unleashed Hades on what we know as Earth. After Hades' demise from rule with the Olympian Gods, not a single soul ever dreamed he would reign on this plane ever again.
As I begin to put the pieces together, I wonder; if Tellus is slowly succeeding at reclaiming her children, her magnificent creations, perhaps there is a hope after all. The greatest hope we have is that our Earth Mother, Tellus, has reassembled her army; that they have risen once more, the Purus.
The Purus was only a myth; a story of folklore shared among the people for thousands of years. No living mortal or immortal being has ever laid eyes upon the Purus, except for Plaguesis. The fall of him and the Darkness came at the hands of the Purus all those centuries ago.
Those on the run from Plaguesis and his demons would share stories; tales of war, their fight for humanity. As the diseases, famine, and blood shed engulfed the entire countryside; so did the loss of humanity. Immortal beasts reigned and fell senex to Plaguesis. Humans instantaneously transformed into all sorts of dark creatures under Plaguesis's rule.
Meanwhile, only one hope remained. That Tellus was behind my transformation, and soon many, like me, would regain their beating heart and mortality.