All because I slept.

If ever there was a time to start blogging again, it would be now. Everything is fresh in my mind. I can watch it all like a movie on the big screen.

Conscience and subconscience working together to bring the onslaught of a thousand washed up hopes. I wonder, ponder, worry, and despair over it all. As my other thoughts that lie below the surface are shufted into nightmares, dreams of a sort.

How can the mind be so powerful to recall your worries as you sleep? It personifies all of our deepest fears and desires, nearly mocking us into a fainted reality only to be woken by the sun as it rises overhead. Never did I feel more defeated but when these hauntings consume me. Mood and feeling are altered by the mere accusation that all could be lost in a simple instant. It could come back.

I assure you, there would be no parade or welcome as it arrived to settle in. The burning, aching fear still lives within me. Does anyone even know or care to notice? Or do I walk around with a sign on my face and all those who I thought would care simply are used to the sign. Peace is a stranger. I wish it were different.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick.

There is almost nothing positive I see going on in this world these days. I take everything in stride after I've been through hell and back, but it is almost impossible to remain optimistic about the world today. It wouldn't be such a big deal if strangers were being dicks to you but when it is people you have to deal with only a regular basis, that just isn't cutting it for me. Whether it be your co-workers, your best friend, your fellow student peers, your brother, your favorite local waitress - these tantrums, these childish activities, this lack of responsibility, the apathy that people all around me display on a daily or sometimes even momentary basis is absurd to me. Who woke up and said hey I'm going to be a dick to my "bestfriendsisterpeerwhatever" today? I sure don't do that. The funny thing is then when they switch out of this pathetic dick mode, they almost expect you to greet them with a fucking parade like hey I'm back from the land of being a dick let's go for coffee. Uhm, no. Sorry I am not a sell out for a cheap mochachino, okay. Your behavior goes way beyond the realms of normal and if this was the 1700s I would put you in a guillotine. Maybe just to scare you but if you hurt me or my feelings, then fuck you chop that head off or hang you for witchcraft. My main purpose of this rant is to serve as an example and maybe wake someone up who is being a dick. Okay I have a final exam tomorrow so I need to stop my rant and sleep. But all of you being a dick and living in the land of ultimate dicks, stop or you are gonna lose really great people from your life.

A simile.

It was nothing like anything I had ever done before. The feeling was unique to that moment. I especially loved being on the back when Mark was driving. He had my life in his hands, just like he has my heart. The metaphor was simple really and all too perfect. Gliding through the air at a speed like that, no one but him and fate to protect me. Something may seem a bit macabre about having life on the precipice of death only to be on the precipice of the meaning of life. A beautiful simile: to be free. Feeling free and reveling in it; an all consuming propulsion outwards into what we know as the world. Extrovertion commandeers; while the weight is shifted. Freedom comes in all different ways, no matter how it comes about. One may never be free from themselves, condemned always by a rooted fear deep within. Once those nightmares shatter and the veil dissipates, it is like a new day arrives with a glimmer of what it means to be free. I'm bound by the chains of fear and pain, illness and worry. For a moment in time, I break free from those bindings to discover the me that is underneath the surface of darkness. Although perhaps it is brief, it summons a rising hope. For the future may hold a permanent freedom, a final peace to have and to hold all the days until the end.

Tonight's Blurb.

Well, I just got back from seeing Fast 6. I am surprised at how much I really liked it. I have come to really enjoy action movies, especially since dating the emperor of epic, adventure guy movies. I think it all started with my enjoyment for fantasy and sci-fi now it turned into just anything downright epic.  I have come to realize that if I reach outside of my comfort zone and try other things, I might actually surprise myself when I like it. Trying to embrace some of Mark's interests as well as our similar ones has seemed to be successful. I would never be playing League of Legends or Magic. I would never have expanded my palette for food or for movie genres and so on. I am trying to take each experience in my life and look at it under a microscope, if you will. After something happens, I hope to see if I grew from it, or waned from it. There just seems to be a happy medium here that exists because of my openness at trying new things. Since I feel as though it was a positive move, I will deem this a successful experience in how I reacted to something new. I know that Mark values that in a partner. Spontaneity, adventure, willingness to try new things; all something we each seek and we have found. There is not a single thing as of right now in our relationship that I would change. I only hope as time moves through and we enjoy life and heal from my ailments, that we will take this relationship to another level. When that happens, I will be forever grateful to whomever is out there looking over me that fated us back into each other's arms. As I lie my head down at night, I hope to be thankful for what I have taken from today. The reason I like to document things like I do is because tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day -- these memories will all be but a blur. Unless it is written and recorded so that it does itself justice with the raw energy and pureness that exudes from the very thought of it. Memories are way too precious to be lost. Memories and time are all we have. This moment is all that we are given.

An eloquent agreement with oneself.

There are times when words can not describe what you are feeling. All that can escape from you are waves of salty streams flowing down your cheeks, and thats okay. Sometimes you need to cry. There are those moments in life where the last straw has been broken and all we are left with is our vulnerable selves. No one ever said life would be simplistic, but when did it become second nature to accept that we aren't moving forward. The only way to feel and move on is to let it all in. Don't block out your emotions. All it will do is grasp onto your very breath and suffocate you, starting with your heart. The symbolism we all know to be love in our chest cavities. However split at the seams, however lost in the wilderness, we all deserve an epic adventure. Teaching onself to revel in what it is like to be human and experience life as if it was your last moment is one of the most difficult expenditures I have ever bestowed upon myself. An eloquent servitude of humanity and all its wonder. Such a fragile existences however shaken we may be, we remain strong. The monumentous occasion of self actualization doesn't come with instant gratification but with a coy hint of patience. At times it can be frustrating. To know that all our lives we are nothing but an uphill battle until we reach the fulfillment of our true destiny. The rare occasion of forseeing one's fate is only accomplished by few in a lifetime. To have a story to pass on and a livelihood to be cherished is an eventual goal we all can admire.

Long Time No Blog.

Well, it's been awhile. Not that there are enough excuses etched on my soul already, but here are some excuses. I haven't been myself or let myself have the time that I deserve to write. I have also written for some time in a journal, you know the old fashioned way. It was something a little more private I was dealing with so I wanted to get through that during such a difficult time. Which times aren't difficult though, I mean really.

Weight loss for me is an uphill battle. When I say weight loss, I guess intent to lose must be there. I know that I want to; it's just I don't think I have been mentally ready for it. I know that I am not the size that I want to be. I know that this is almost the heaviest of my life and I want to change it. My boyfriend and I both want to be fit. We both have been before and know it is possible.

My health has been all over the map. Just absolutely terrible news all around and something that I'm trying to deal with but on a more private scale I guess. My mom and Mark have been more than everything I need to keep me on track as far as that stuff goes.

I have a lot of different sides to me, which attributes to being passionate about many things. This truly can be a double-edge sword. Aside from being a bit preoccupied with my health and family, I seem to overbook myself. I feel like I let everyone down all the time, failing you all. There isn't a single reason that I would want to fall short but it seems like I do in everything I touch. If someone could tell me something I do right, I would give them a puppy.

Think of Me is on Pandora right now. It's a Classical piece from the 90s. It makes me feel emotional and full of thoughts and energy and inspiration when I hear it. I turned off the lyrical music because all it does when I'm trying to write is distract me. Now when I am trying to clean or something like that, don't put Classical on, I will most definitely want to write or meditate and that isn't good.

As I was having a break down today, I took it out on the person I least want to. I feel terrible for it, even though I already apologized to him and we are just fine. I just needed to cool off and do something for myself without someone needing to hold my hand. I went ahead and took myself to the mall and got a pedicure. For some reason that is something that makes me relax and calm down. I was bawling my eyes out before I left. Sometimes in life, things are way too overwhelming for someone to handle. I doubt that I truly let it all sink in and I feel like lately it has all been hitting me. So what I did was get a pedicure then go to find some gym shorts.

As a sat in those chairs waiting for the little man to come over and get started, all I was thinking about is my size. How I couldn't believe how big I have gotten. I got weighed again at the doctors and I was just ashamed. I know that it is just a number but it sure hits you hard when you see something like that. I made the decision as I was sitting there that I would go and look for workout shorts after this because mine are all old or just meh looking on me. Well, I found a special for buy one get one half off. This made me happy because I know that I need to have something for me to wear and feel comfortable in while dancing, etc.

My mom and sister were out shopping too and they just got here to her house so I'm going to get back into reality now, but I want to begin writing again. It brings me happiness and damnit, I'm gonna do it!

When all else fails, laughter is the best medicine!

Silhouette Study.

One of my most favorite muses inspired me within the last few days. I have completely given myself over to my desire to create. There have been obstacles holding me back, but the most complex hurdle has been myself. The want to give myself over long ago has been heavy on my heart. Now it's right.

Although my heart and mind are full of stories, ideas, influence, emotions, and soulful aspirations; I must allow myself to enter into a deep slumber to combat this illness.  I've been sick since I've arrived in Norfolk, but that doesn't know it is holding me back from everything I have wanted to do, including doing a photography study today.

A goal I have developed for myself is to do a different photography study each day. Being able to constantly photograph and create art will keep me always moving forward. Today, I chose a silhouette study. My subject is my best friend, a tall and lean perfect silhouette - if you ask me. The sunset, the ocean, and the moon were beautiful; so nature inspired me to keep shooting. I shot until darkness completely took over the landscape.

Keep inspiring one another. You never know when a compliment or a simple hello may turn someone's day around in order for them too to be inspired to do what they love the most.

© Photography by Alison

Last minute.

When I write, I do it not for you but for me and my soul.  This soul's a tarnished one, blood stained from reality and her coy knives in the side. Reality, how playful with a dark premise over what is and was.

- Photography by Alison
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April 7th: 10:35 PM.

Norfolk, Virginia. Who would have thought it? Naval community where Caucasian is a minority, but yet the minute my feet hit the sand this evening it felt right to be here. My search for inner peace is not something I take lightly. I can't believe that of all the times in my life, now is when I am finally coming to terms with who I am and what I was put on this wondrous earth to do. This vacation is mine and I have been told to do whatever it is that I want to do while I am here to help find peace from within.

The trip down was pretty alright. 8 hours in a vintage old tank with no A/C wasn't too bad considering, I had my bestie. We ate sandwiches, talked and laughed, discovered a theory about my family, and laughed some more. Being carefree is what your 20s are all about. I am almost half way through with my 20s and it has been the most hellish until recently. Having to go through what I have endured renders me shameless and ready to move on with my life and have a hell of a good time.

Something I discovered today as I laid there in the passenger seat with the sun beaming through the windows onto my pale skin. I was born at the wrong time. What about the 20s? Such a wonderful time; 20s Chicago. 50s as a beautiful pin-up model. 60s - now we are talking...hippies, peace, free love, drugs (don't judge - if you were a hot hippy you would enjoy yourself as well). How about the 70s? Eh, no thanks..Zepplin or the Eagles, boo. But you get the point! I think my past life (if that exists) was spent doing something much more meaningful than modern medial activities. I mean in a society where Kim Kardashian is all that people can talk about - yeah, makes me want to blow my brains out.

Right now, I believe that inner peace is something that comes from within but is stimulated by something on the outside. I don't think that one day you can just stare at a wall on Wall Street or look into a mirror at a mall and realize your inner chi and journey in this life. A modern world is a difficult one. I doubt that my inspiration will come from something that is materialistic or modern. At this point, what seems to be inspiring me are the four classic elements; earth, wind, fire, water. I am hoping to be more one with each of these in some way, especially the water this week as I am right on the ocean. I hope to write more about each of these and their influences in my life. As I yearn to discover how they bring me into being me.

A true adventure, a wanderlust full of new places, new photographic opportunities - that is where I need to be as I heal from the wounds I have endured. I am so thankful for Maunie for giving me this experience as I hope to give her inspiration to find her niche in this world too. Continue to inspire one another any way you can by reaching out to those who have endured the worst or simply just lost their way.

Poetry.

you just can't compete;

the sun, the galaxy, or all it's wonder.

you shine beyond something measurable.

in time and space we know of one life;

but with you, it's as though I have many.

all concepts of moment in time dissipate

and we are free of all man made restraints, such as time.

this life is merely a prequel

to the eternity

the massive always

I am granted

with you.

Date Nights Make Your Week!

Wednesday; our typical date night. I am so blessed to be with someone that values keeping the flame in a relationship going just as much as I do. We decided awhile back that we would start doing date nights one night a week. Because my lover is only off two days a week, usually Wednesday and Thursday, we decided to basically go on Wednesdays. We set an entire afternoon and evening aside for just us, outside the house doing something we like to do. Since Valentine's Day we have done dinner and a movie out once a week. In the course of time from February 14th until now, exactly a month, we have seen five movies: Beautiful Creatures, Warm Bodies, Snitch, Jack the Giant Slayer, and Oz: The Great and Powerful. We have eaten at Olive Garden, Undos (twice), Red Lobster and somewhere else but we can't remember. Anyways, the point is these date nights have been so wonderful for our relationship. I know that my love for this man is irrevocable. Just nights like these allow you to enjoy the little things you love about each other.

 

As far as a review for these movies, if anyone is interested in me posting for any particular please let me know and I will be happy to! I liked them all, some more than others. Nonetheless I still enjoy time with my sweetheart as well as indulging in a great fantasy world to help me escape my everyday life.

Speaking of everyday life, I have been in a great deal of pain lately. So nights like these really make me happy. Although it is a little exhausting to keep me going all afternoon and evening out, I still enjoy it and the medicines help me out a bit. The doctors, my mom, my man, my sister, and a few important friends have kept me sane these last few weeks. I never thought that I would be living in a world of pain. Then again I never thought I'd be living in the same town with my mom again, and that means the world to me. I also never thought I'd live through this battle. I also thought I could never have something I cherish above all, true love. And indeed I have it again, in him. 

Grow Upward and Onward.

When I feel like I have nothing, I should open my eyes.
When I feel as though my eyes won't open, I should just remember.
Those who we love never truly leave us.
Our hearts are their homes so long as we remember.

Sincerity, simplicity, and sensibility.
Allow me to grow and conform.
I thank my stars and mother earth for my second chance at life.
Maybe this time around I'll do it right.
Perhaps my eyes will remain open,
and my memories keen.
For their importance surpasses all worldy things.

Dreamcatcher is an idea for a tattoo, thoughts?

Satisfaction Because Rome Wasn't Built in a Day.

Satisfaction comes in many forms. It may present itself in getting a promotion, seeing a child excel at sports, or maybe by eating a luscious chocolate bar. I; however, have achieved satisfaction in my day and for me, that is enough.

It all started with my morning routine. I was proud that I was able to do what I hoped for myself for the day in every day. Brush, whiten, cleanse, moisturize, straighten, make-up, brush - just how I hoped for; I knew I could will myself to. I did my makeup today in my most favorite way. Being a makeup artist, I have so many options, colors, mattes. But my favorite for my eye shape and face shape is a silver and black smokey eye with vintage line and dramatic falsies - I use 105 Black from Walmart. I have bought Snooki lashes, which are BEAUTIFUL! however, when I lose one or overuse them I cry because of their price! But they are awesome to invest in at least one pair! However, for casual use - the Walmart ones are literally less than that fast food meal that you don't need anyways!


The straightener I use is absolutely by far the greatest straightener that I have ever had the privilege of using. My sister even went and bought one just like it, because she has found no greater. It is a Paul Mitchell and I'm seriously in love. I bought it in - get this December of 2008 and it is still here. (knock on wood) I would be so lost without it and I plan to buy Paul Mitchell

for years to come! I highly recommend it!

So this is the end result of my day of beauty. I went like this to my sister, Bobbi's cooking expo at her high school. She did wonderfully; proud mama! Afterwards I took some time and snapped a few landscape photographs. The way that the sky looked was too irresistible!
I did achieve satisfaction today. I had goals and I met most of them. I know something I do need to work on is being able to go to bed before the wee hours of the night. I work at night on the multiple projects I am involved with as well as blogging for you fine people. It is something I love and enjoy. My future hubby is playing games after a very long night at work, why not stay up and enjoy the night owl syndrome as well. I think I do need a day to relax. Do some crafting, hang with my bestie via Skype (since she is 500 miles away), watch some movies, & cook some amazing & healthy recipes.

I believe that is what my day tomorrow will look like after my appointment. I have an appointment with my neurologist and pain management specialist for my Trigeminal Neuralgia. It is the most painful thing in the world and she is the only person I trust to help me with it, so wish me luck!
Just remember to set daily goals for yourself. Nothing to outrageous! Cliche of the night: Rome wasn't built in a day!

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© Photography by Alison