All because I slept.

If ever there was a time to start blogging again, it would be now. Everything is fresh in my mind. I can watch it all like a movie on the big screen.

Conscience and subconscience working together to bring the onslaught of a thousand washed up hopes. I wonder, ponder, worry, and despair over it all. As my other thoughts that lie below the surface are shufted into nightmares, dreams of a sort.

How can the mind be so powerful to recall your worries as you sleep? It personifies all of our deepest fears and desires, nearly mocking us into a fainted reality only to be woken by the sun as it rises overhead. Never did I feel more defeated but when these hauntings consume me. Mood and feeling are altered by the mere accusation that all could be lost in a simple instant. It could come back.

I assure you, there would be no parade or welcome as it arrived to settle in. The burning, aching fear still lives within me. Does anyone even know or care to notice? Or do I walk around with a sign on my face and all those who I thought would care simply are used to the sign. Peace is a stranger. I wish it were different.

April 14th: 11:59 PM.

Nothing is set in stone.

This life emulates a fragile flower.

Its petals weak and vulnerable;

Just as the actual existence of the human race.

Raw, exposed, and shaken - the fragility that is this life.

Poetry sometimes just spills out of my mind like blood from an unexpected wound. When the red water comes I only focus on where I can write it all down. I have always been like this. A writer. Someone to inspire, to create, and be apart of something with passion and feeling. Same goes for my photography. I remember all I ever wanted for holiday was a camera. From breaking to having camera stolen, my list never ends. That always is what set me back from moving forward in my photography. With no means to purchase a new camera in a poor family growing up, I got saddled with writing; and how it was not a shameful thing. I most definitely enjoy being able to express myself by means of any and all mediums I choose. I just wish that they would count for something. No, not necessarily dollars and cents, like all of America is worried about. However, I want to share my art, my story, and my passions. I want to see places, meet people of different cultures, experience different cuisines, worship all over this blue planet with all walks of religion - I want to decide for me how I am going to live my next 70 - hopefully plus - years. The idea that we are not infinite. We will die. We are not invincible and there is so much - in my life at this age - yet to see! I have so much passion that I don't share, so much zealous adventures that only exist on paper, when the red water comes out. The idea of my epic search for harmony and inner peace comes along with the captivating realization that today, and only today, is the day to start living your dreams. Because although, especially at this age, we like to think so..we are not infinite. Our time does run out. We might not get a redo. This could be our one life. (which in my humble opinion is the case) So living for yourself and those your love and living for today are the most important things to remember in this life. Passion & inspiration & hopes & dreams & ambition & peace & beauty - my serenity.

© Photography by Alison

photo by: © Maunie Baysal

April 7th: 10:35 PM.

Norfolk, Virginia. Who would have thought it? Naval community where Caucasian is a minority, but yet the minute my feet hit the sand this evening it felt right to be here. My search for inner peace is not something I take lightly. I can't believe that of all the times in my life, now is when I am finally coming to terms with who I am and what I was put on this wondrous earth to do. This vacation is mine and I have been told to do whatever it is that I want to do while I am here to help find peace from within.

The trip down was pretty alright. 8 hours in a vintage old tank with no A/C wasn't too bad considering, I had my bestie. We ate sandwiches, talked and laughed, discovered a theory about my family, and laughed some more. Being carefree is what your 20s are all about. I am almost half way through with my 20s and it has been the most hellish until recently. Having to go through what I have endured renders me shameless and ready to move on with my life and have a hell of a good time.

Something I discovered today as I laid there in the passenger seat with the sun beaming through the windows onto my pale skin. I was born at the wrong time. What about the 20s? Such a wonderful time; 20s Chicago. 50s as a beautiful pin-up model. 60s - now we are talking...hippies, peace, free love, drugs (don't judge - if you were a hot hippy you would enjoy yourself as well). How about the 70s? Eh, no thanks..Zepplin or the Eagles, boo. But you get the point! I think my past life (if that exists) was spent doing something much more meaningful than modern medial activities. I mean in a society where Kim Kardashian is all that people can talk about - yeah, makes me want to blow my brains out.

Right now, I believe that inner peace is something that comes from within but is stimulated by something on the outside. I don't think that one day you can just stare at a wall on Wall Street or look into a mirror at a mall and realize your inner chi and journey in this life. A modern world is a difficult one. I doubt that my inspiration will come from something that is materialistic or modern. At this point, what seems to be inspiring me are the four classic elements; earth, wind, fire, water. I am hoping to be more one with each of these in some way, especially the water this week as I am right on the ocean. I hope to write more about each of these and their influences in my life. As I yearn to discover how they bring me into being me.

A true adventure, a wanderlust full of new places, new photographic opportunities - that is where I need to be as I heal from the wounds I have endured. I am so thankful for Maunie for giving me this experience as I hope to give her inspiration to find her niche in this world too. Continue to inspire one another any way you can by reaching out to those who have endured the worst or simply just lost their way.