Blissful Quest.

The older I get the more I realize that silence is a blessing. I never get peace and quiet. The busy facade of our society drives me crazy. I wish I could find a way of life where the moments matter. Not everything is in rushed real time. Where everything was allowed to flow in and out of us and around us as organically as possible. Nothing comes easy. Peace you must search for, but haven't I been searching for inner peace for far too long? Surrounding ourselves with positive people is a huge step; however, we must first exude only positivity individually first. In order to do so, these inner demons need to be flushed out. The demons are simply a metaphor for what has latched on to our personalities, thoughts, or behaviors to debilitating us. Everyone has these set backs, but after all this time with everything I have been through wouldn't one begin to think..am I ever going to be okay? Am I ever going to simply become what I strive to be? Naturally. Organically. No medications or therapy. Simply blissful existence. That is what I can not seem to extinguish. The fire in me to find a blissful existence. How to get there is the question. Everyone has the answers to when you should have baby or get married but does anyone truly understand the concept of inner peace? Does anyone really feel true comfort in knowing themselves and who and what they represent? Some of the most amazing cultures and religions follow doctrine and still are not able to obtain this sheer beauty of a simple soul. Ay times I feel as though the journey for salvation goes hand in hand with inner peace. One can not simply have one without the other. Turning to God or a higher powrr in a time of great loss or confusion is what sets many people at ease. There is nothing more that I hope for other than inner peace abd a dimple existence.

New years.

I saw a quote tonight that I deem appropriate for the mood I am in. Giving that it is a new year with new promises and hopes looming in the air, I want to include this quote in my thoughts of the night.
Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.
I saw this and it got me thinking. I want to start so many things in 2014. Change for the better and what not. I hope to write everything down tomorrow. January 1st. A chance at a new beginning.

Nashville; day one.

Mark and I left for Nashville at 1am on Saturday..so it was really still our Friday. December isn't the typical vacation month, but for us it seems to be a yearly thing and it actually is nice. I hope to have a summer vacation though as well. Anyways, Mark and I switched off driving through the night. Two hours here and two hours there. It wasn't too bad of a drive at all. We stopped to stretch, fuel up, and use the restroom but otherwise we were on a mission. We arrived at the Hotel Preston at about 9am. I wasnt sure if we could check in that early considering our check in time was supposed to be 3pm. But the nice front desk people got us right in. We stayed in 301, right off the elevator that required a key swipe for usage. That was different! Well, we got all situated and took a nice long nap. After we were all rested up and freshened up we headed to downtown. We went to the Parthenon. It is a full size replica of that which is in Greece. It was amazing and massive! We had some foreigners take our photo a few times. Stay tuned for those!
There we looked around for a place to eat.  After walking around taking in the sights and sounds of music row we decided to check out a place that drew us in called Tequila Cowboy. The place had a band playing and the food smelled good. We hadn't eaten much since 5am when we had what I thought to be the worst breakfast sandwich N.A. Not impressed at first glance at their lack of choices on the menu..nonetheless we decided to have a small meal then save room for a fancy dinner on Monday before we head back north. 
Boy, I learned my lesson. If a place has only a few options its probably because they are phenomenal.  I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and Mark an American burger. We both said it was hands down the very best burger either of us have ever had. We enjoyed the taste of authentic southern burger as well as the sounds of some country songs we both secretly love.
We walked around for awhile checking out a store or two but the rain started. We didn't want to be out in that walking aimlessly with no plan but also all the sudden I turned into grandma Alison.  I had this epic awful cramp in my back as I hobbled to the vehicle. So we decided to let the rain settle and get back and rest for awhile. I thought may be sitting in the car for hours then walking a bunch then sitting on a bar stools for a couple hours I guess is what did it.
We get back to the hotel to the comfy soft blankets and get all cozy together. Mark rubbed my back where it was cramped and made it better. So it then turned into massages and love making; some of the most passionate of sorts in many moons. So that made us fall asleep and nap with a smile.
Sleepy heads decided to wake up an hour or so later and head back downtown for a nice dinner. Well being tourists and indecisive individuals we took forever to decide. We ended up near music row again at a place we thought about earlier called Demos'. Oh my god. Talk about amazing!
I ordered sweet tea only to get unsweetened tea with a sugar water syrup that you add as needed to make the perfect tea for you. It was absolutely amazing! Best tea NA! Anyway, next our waiter Sulley is really hands down no joke without a doubt the best best best waiter we or I have ever had. The nicest, most helpful, most eloquent and descriptive server as well. We both ordered steaks. Mark a medium rare ribeye and me a filet mignon compressed by bacon. You can even get any of their pastas as a side! What?! Phenomenal!  Alfredo for me...delish! Overall such an amazing impression of Nashville. Oh and did I mention the prices?! It was only $30 for us two. As opposed to some other places didn't even have anything on the menu for under that price per person. We will definitely have to stop back before we go.
Well at about 11 we headed back to the hotel where we watched some twitch tv league of legends together and cuddled and bonded over what is some time that we have very much needed. Now we are off to sleep! The game is at noon and we want to make it to breakfast before!

Thoughts of the Innermost.

There's that moment where you want to ask yourself what the hell do you think you are doing. You wish you could step outside your body and see your life like a diahramma, you know those weird shoebox-on-its-side scenes from a novel or event that we had to make in Ms. Smoulder's 2nd grade class. If I could see my perplex life in a frozen set, what would I think? What questions could be asked; what conclusions could be drawn? Who would be the protagonist? The antagonist? What plot would be able to created just by a look into this hectic, somewhat awry lifestyle I lead?

At times I begin to think I am losing it. Slipping through the cracks of sanity and down into a much darker existence we know as asylum. The loss of consciousness for what is and what isn't overwhelms and weakens the conscious mind. Blurred senses and diminished capabilities all bundled up together like a cornucopia of broken toys. Only these toys are not real. They are but personified humanity.

The real question is why over analyze if there is no real clearing up ahead. Nothing will be solved by drudging through everything over and over again. Lay it to rest for the night and drift off to a better place. Dreams will carry you there.

Forgot to post you, you little random poem you.

There once was a shadow that needed a place to stay.
I told him he wasn't welcome, but he stayed anyway.
Making the heart heavy and soul full of guilt,
A place of sadness for blood that was spilt.
Nothing made sense with him around.
No sunshine cascading, no hope to be found.
This sad little shadow though small in size,
Was a daily reminded of an imminent demise.
A broken and damned husk of a being
With no regard for how life really should be.
Shadows aren't welcome in a heart made of gold.
Their presence changes a spirit from young to old.
One day it will leave me, but until then..
I will wait in the wings. Not knowing when.

Venting session: WARNING...there may be grammatical errors.

I am so fucking sick of being unappreciated and talked down to. I feel like no one has any sense of respect anymore. The one thing that I can't stand is being ignored. Ignoring someone is under-appreciating them. They are taking the time to talk to you and tell you how they feel or ask you to do something and you just sit there because what you are doing is so much more important. Today's society has NO regards for humanity. Communication, technology has ripped that away. I feel like I have no personal relationships anymore. A friend of mine reminded me what it was like to actually do something instead of it having to be involved with a screen. I love my technology and am thankful for it because it's fun and convenient, but honestly if I could live back in the times of the Native Americans, I would trade that in a heartbeat. I love the earth. I love relationships and people. I love talking for the sake of talking. I love story telling and sharing of experiences and life. There is one thing I feel as though I am missing in this live that I am living and that is a sense of self strong enough to encompass all that I want to be. I want to be able to be strong enough to achieve the things I want to achieve and do the things I want to do. There is nothing more frustrating that feeling like you can't be yourself because of the people around you. All of this might seem like I am hopping and jumping subjects, but really they are all relative to how I am feeling right now. I don't think anyone reading this would understand or even feels the same way. But if there is someone, please reach out to me. I would love to have someone to talk to about this. End of venting session number one of the day.

All because I slept.

If ever there was a time to start blogging again, it would be now. Everything is fresh in my mind. I can watch it all like a movie on the big screen.

Conscience and subconscience working together to bring the onslaught of a thousand washed up hopes. I wonder, ponder, worry, and despair over it all. As my other thoughts that lie below the surface are shufted into nightmares, dreams of a sort.

How can the mind be so powerful to recall your worries as you sleep? It personifies all of our deepest fears and desires, nearly mocking us into a fainted reality only to be woken by the sun as it rises overhead. Never did I feel more defeated but when these hauntings consume me. Mood and feeling are altered by the mere accusation that all could be lost in a simple instant. It could come back.

I assure you, there would be no parade or welcome as it arrived to settle in. The burning, aching fear still lives within me. Does anyone even know or care to notice? Or do I walk around with a sign on my face and all those who I thought would care simply are used to the sign. Peace is a stranger. I wish it were different.