Salt on blades.

Like needles it overtakes me.

A shattering to my very core,

Coursing throughout

Like salt on blades

Into the vein.

Every more paralyzing

Every time.

Constrict me.

Confine me

To the deepest burn.

With each sear

Draw a tear

An unholy field

that yearns for growth.

Drown.

Intake of breath;

Nothing but water fills my lungs

As I sink to the bottom.

All hope is lost.

The darkness, the coldness

Consumes.

Shiver from the very thought.

Shake off a feeling so haunted.

Place on a face,

Of a happier day

When all wasn't lost in the ocean.

The Senses.

Music frees me, sets my ambition on fire, allows me to release the core desires deep within me. The gift of music has been absent from my life with much haste.

The way the smoke cascades rippling iridescently in the air gives me a sense of awe and wonder. Calming veil rising and falling around the lace patterned candle holder, another wonder. To learn from smoke, we all could absorb its carefree quality. Oh, what a beautiful earth we would inhabit.

Listening to the notes, the angelic voice, the soft melody of a love song begging my trembling voice to accompany. "I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I've loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

The sweet herb smell of the inscence relaxes the body without force. Annabelle, my beautiful fluffy baby, is so soft. Her purring scaling with each petting motion on her velvety fur. Each sense being stimulated positively by a simple moment to stop in our busy days and just enjoy.

April 14th: 11:59 PM.

Nothing is set in stone.

This life emulates a fragile flower.

Its petals weak and vulnerable;

Just as the actual existence of the human race.

Raw, exposed, and shaken - the fragility that is this life.

Poetry sometimes just spills out of my mind like blood from an unexpected wound. When the red water comes I only focus on where I can write it all down. I have always been like this. A writer. Someone to inspire, to create, and be apart of something with passion and feeling. Same goes for my photography. I remember all I ever wanted for holiday was a camera. From breaking to having camera stolen, my list never ends. That always is what set me back from moving forward in my photography. With no means to purchase a new camera in a poor family growing up, I got saddled with writing; and how it was not a shameful thing. I most definitely enjoy being able to express myself by means of any and all mediums I choose. I just wish that they would count for something. No, not necessarily dollars and cents, like all of America is worried about. However, I want to share my art, my story, and my passions. I want to see places, meet people of different cultures, experience different cuisines, worship all over this blue planet with all walks of religion - I want to decide for me how I am going to live my next 70 - hopefully plus - years. The idea that we are not infinite. We will die. We are not invincible and there is so much - in my life at this age - yet to see! I have so much passion that I don't share, so much zealous adventures that only exist on paper, when the red water comes out. The idea of my epic search for harmony and inner peace comes along with the captivating realization that today, and only today, is the day to start living your dreams. Because although, especially at this age, we like to think so..we are not infinite. Our time does run out. We might not get a redo. This could be our one life. (which in my humble opinion is the case) So living for yourself and those your love and living for today are the most important things to remember in this life. Passion & inspiration & hopes & dreams & ambition & peace & beauty - my serenity.

© Photography by Alison

photo by: © Maunie Baysal

Silhouette Study.

One of my most favorite muses inspired me within the last few days. I have completely given myself over to my desire to create. There have been obstacles holding me back, but the most complex hurdle has been myself. The want to give myself over long ago has been heavy on my heart. Now it's right.

Although my heart and mind are full of stories, ideas, influence, emotions, and soulful aspirations; I must allow myself to enter into a deep slumber to combat this illness.  I've been sick since I've arrived in Norfolk, but that doesn't know it is holding me back from everything I have wanted to do, including doing a photography study today.

A goal I have developed for myself is to do a different photography study each day. Being able to constantly photograph and create art will keep me always moving forward. Today, I chose a silhouette study. My subject is my best friend, a tall and lean perfect silhouette - if you ask me. The sunset, the ocean, and the moon were beautiful; so nature inspired me to keep shooting. I shot until darkness completely took over the landscape.

Keep inspiring one another. You never know when a compliment or a simple hello may turn someone's day around in order for them too to be inspired to do what they love the most.

© Photography by Alison

Last minute.

When I write, I do it not for you but for me and my soul.  This soul's a tarnished one, blood stained from reality and her coy knives in the side. Reality, how playful with a dark premise over what is and was.

- Photography by Alison
www.facebook.com/wheelingphotogtaphy

April 7th: 10:35 PM.

Norfolk, Virginia. Who would have thought it? Naval community where Caucasian is a minority, but yet the minute my feet hit the sand this evening it felt right to be here. My search for inner peace is not something I take lightly. I can't believe that of all the times in my life, now is when I am finally coming to terms with who I am and what I was put on this wondrous earth to do. This vacation is mine and I have been told to do whatever it is that I want to do while I am here to help find peace from within.

The trip down was pretty alright. 8 hours in a vintage old tank with no A/C wasn't too bad considering, I had my bestie. We ate sandwiches, talked and laughed, discovered a theory about my family, and laughed some more. Being carefree is what your 20s are all about. I am almost half way through with my 20s and it has been the most hellish until recently. Having to go through what I have endured renders me shameless and ready to move on with my life and have a hell of a good time.

Something I discovered today as I laid there in the passenger seat with the sun beaming through the windows onto my pale skin. I was born at the wrong time. What about the 20s? Such a wonderful time; 20s Chicago. 50s as a beautiful pin-up model. 60s - now we are talking...hippies, peace, free love, drugs (don't judge - if you were a hot hippy you would enjoy yourself as well). How about the 70s? Eh, no thanks..Zepplin or the Eagles, boo. But you get the point! I think my past life (if that exists) was spent doing something much more meaningful than modern medial activities. I mean in a society where Kim Kardashian is all that people can talk about - yeah, makes me want to blow my brains out.

Right now, I believe that inner peace is something that comes from within but is stimulated by something on the outside. I don't think that one day you can just stare at a wall on Wall Street or look into a mirror at a mall and realize your inner chi and journey in this life. A modern world is a difficult one. I doubt that my inspiration will come from something that is materialistic or modern. At this point, what seems to be inspiring me are the four classic elements; earth, wind, fire, water. I am hoping to be more one with each of these in some way, especially the water this week as I am right on the ocean. I hope to write more about each of these and their influences in my life. As I yearn to discover how they bring me into being me.

A true adventure, a wanderlust full of new places, new photographic opportunities - that is where I need to be as I heal from the wounds I have endured. I am so thankful for Maunie for giving me this experience as I hope to give her inspiration to find her niche in this world too. Continue to inspire one another any way you can by reaching out to those who have endured the worst or simply just lost their way.

April 7th: 12:33 AM.

Well, here I am. I have missed blogging beyond explanation. I don't know what it is about it that releases some of my inner demons and inner beauty all at the same time. However, after the last few weeks of hecticness, I have changed my view of what I need to be writing about. I don't really like to write anymore with a pen and paper as much as I enjoy just sitting down and quickly typing up my thoughts on a given topic I feel like expressing. I still do keep a small journal but just I'm not as religious with it, kind of like that of many other aspects in my life. I wish I was able to complete the loose ends that I have in my life. I need to jot these ideas down so that I can pursue them as well as figure out what direction I want to go with them in my life. Which I feel is ultimately one of the most important things.

Anyways, moving on to what is currently going on in my life. I will be leaving for Norfolk in the morning with Maunie, my sister-in-law to be. Maunie has been in town for three weeks helping Mark's Nan with the move to the new house and helping since her heart attack a few Fridays ago. It was a huge scare and it also warranted Pap in the nursing home; however, we all visit him and bring him his favorite treats, so we are hoping this will be a positive change for all parties. We have been boxing, packing, unboxing, unpacking for weeks now. It's time for Maunie to go back home to Norfolk and take a breather but also have some time to just relax and she invited me to come along. I am really excited, because this will a great girls vacation for us. We probably in the future won't have the time or chance to do that because deployments, Navy, Nursing, Mark and I getting married, their marriage as well -- so now seems to be the perfect time. I will be gone for 12 days. I have a little bit of separation anxiety from my baby, but I think we have some really fun things planned and I can't wait to take photos all over the coast of Virginia! We have plans for the beach and some yummy restaurants, possibly a plantation house and seeing all the mermaids in town as well. I can't wait!

I packed. Cleaned up a bit. Cooked a few things for Mark. Still have to write him a list of things to get accomplished while I'm gone, but I hope he gets work, gym time, and game time while I'm gone as well. Like a staycation for him! He got done a little early from work tonight, so I hope we can spend some quality time before I leave at 8 am. We have plans to Skype at least three times, but alls everyday - so it should be alright, especially because I'm taking my Mac. I couldn't survive without it!

Today was my half birthday. 24 and a half. I made it through cancer. I'm living through trigeminal neuralgia. I can do this. 25 is six months away and I want to document every last bit of my 24th year. It is my mission and goal. Each day blog and post a photo from that day. Today I don't have a photo, but I will start tomorrow with my travels.