Venting

Writing is something I haven't been taking part in lately unfortunately.  I definitely need to be though. I have to vent somehow. Where to start? Can I even explain what my thoughts are? I'm orobably going to have to keep this orivate because of my frustration that will shine through.

Rest peacefully <3

As I sit here in your sitting room, I am speechless. The echos off the walls are deafening even in the silence. I can almost hear my beating heart as I wait for you to walk through the doorway. But you are not here. The transcending spirit and presence hangs heavy on our hearts. Nothing is clear anymore. How does life go on, when all our worlds have stopped? A life so precious and whole, it seemed surreal.

To the four corners of the universe you walked, leaving your footprint on the soil. How lucky the earth has been. With every step you impressed your gracious favor. Scholar with helping hands and mother to all by virtue - your guidance and generosity illuminates us still. Always watch over us. Remind us to use proper grammar or just the right ingredient. Enable us to become a fraction of the human being you were. Guide our hands and our hearts, as we become mothers and fathers over the years. Look upon us throughout our lives as we hope to make you proud all the days of our lives.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick Part II

Sometimes there really isn't much you can say to a person. Other times all you want to do is cuss them out like Sailor from NYC. (Anyone who knows a sailor or a NY native knows what I mean.) The people who usually fall under either situation are probably being a dick in some way. When I say probably, I mean they definitely are.
When someone close to you is being a dick you can handle the situation either of the above mentioned ways. There are times when I start out with the silent treatment, because anything you say to them is breath otherwise wasted. Then there are other times where you can't help but play therapist. You genuinely want to help correct their dick-ism but they just aren't having it.
Then you must resort to freaking out on them and yelling obscenities at them to get them to come to earth. Telling them you won't sit with them and eat biscuits at BoJangles, when they're sad, anymore because they're being a dick.. sometimes really works.
Whatever the case may be people need to understand one thing..everything you say or do...look or feel affects..someone else. Whether you want to admit it or not, you googling something changes you. As does going to Kroger instead of Wal-Mart. Everything has its own equal and individual repercussions. This usually gives someone the fuel to either be a good person or even just normal cool human being or to live in the land of being a dick.
On a more serious note, I need to say that I really want to write about something that happened to me tonight specifically. It needs to be a separate blog because it is very involved, emotional, and needs thought more than I can put in on just a blogger app. But the subject falls into the trend of "Living in the Land of Being a Dick" because it is about someone who should reside there. It is about a disrespect that has manifested for years but is now being shown with a magnitude I never thought possible.

To be continued...
In conclusion ladies and gents, stop being a dick. And if you aren't then people who are being dicks to you in your life remember how to deal with them. Stop letting them float on their dick train and ruin you or your day.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick.

There is almost nothing positive I see going on in this world these days. I take everything in stride after I've been through hell and back, but it is almost impossible to remain optimistic about the world today. It wouldn't be such a big deal if strangers were being dicks to you but when it is people you have to deal with only a regular basis, that just isn't cutting it for me. Whether it be your co-workers, your best friend, your fellow student peers, your brother, your favorite local waitress - these tantrums, these childish activities, this lack of responsibility, the apathy that people all around me display on a daily or sometimes even momentary basis is absurd to me. Who woke up and said hey I'm going to be a dick to my "bestfriendsisterpeerwhatever" today? I sure don't do that. The funny thing is then when they switch out of this pathetic dick mode, they almost expect you to greet them with a fucking parade like hey I'm back from the land of being a dick let's go for coffee. Uhm, no. Sorry I am not a sell out for a cheap mochachino, okay. Your behavior goes way beyond the realms of normal and if this was the 1700s I would put you in a guillotine. Maybe just to scare you but if you hurt me or my feelings, then fuck you chop that head off or hang you for witchcraft. My main purpose of this rant is to serve as an example and maybe wake someone up who is being a dick. Okay I have a final exam tomorrow so I need to stop my rant and sleep. But all of you being a dick and living in the land of ultimate dicks, stop or you are gonna lose really great people from your life.

Tonight.

Step one is admitting that you have a problem, right? Well, here it is. I have a problem...or two or three.
I took a few small baby steps today to help with my problems. First of all talking about what I think to be a problem could be the first order of business.
This house looks like a frat house, to put it bluntly. I am not sure whether it is my depression that links to this apathy or lack of motivatiom but it really sucks. The crazy part is that I can not stand it such a mess. I meam absolutely can not take it. But...I do nothing about it. I feel like I cant change it. Why? Because I know that I can. I say to myself I dont feel like it or ill do it all tomorrow. Procrastination has become an enemy of late. The more depressed I become the more I seem to lose myself. But today I did take a step. Small but true. I cleaned the kitchen - everything but the floor. Even the fridge got cleaned out.  I had plans to then finally do the litter but we were out of trash bags so I couldnt. But I also did some laundry just a few and I changed the sheets which I have been putting off. Like the sheets for example...I hateeeeeeed what they felt like. They felt dirty and crummy and everything. But..I felt like I didnt want to changed them or I couldnt because everything else in the house was a mess. Its really weird how the brain works when there is an imbalance. Thats my premature diagnosis anyways.
Another problem I am having believe it or not I just realized follows suit with the previous problem just this time it is my body. I am so sick of not having a shower at this house. I do know that I can take a bath it just isnt ideal and the tub isnt clean. But I feel dirty and oily and unclean. Tough skin and smelly feeling. I do nothing about it until I have to. If I had a shower here at home I would everyday. Now its every three to five. Only because theres no shower. I slack off on shaving..lotioning..tweezing. I miss making my hair pretty all the time. Everything like that. Im beginning to see a pattern.
Then there is a similar pattern to follow suit as well. I have the same feelings about my size.  I feel massive these days. My weight in Cleveland was horrid. It really msde me upset. I want to eat well and ne active so so so bad. I know the tools. I have a great partner to do it with. I just feel like I cant. Like I am defeated before I even start. I wish I could find the answers. I wish I could figure out why I cant seem to move forward with these problems that are holding me back.  

A simile.

It was nothing like anything I had ever done before. The feeling was unique to that moment. I especially loved being on the back when Mark was driving. He had my life in his hands, just like he has my heart. The metaphor was simple really and all too perfect. Gliding through the air at a speed like that, no one but him and fate to protect me. Something may seem a bit macabre about having life on the precipice of death only to be on the precipice of the meaning of life. A beautiful simile: to be free. Feeling free and reveling in it; an all consuming propulsion outwards into what we know as the world. Extrovertion commandeers; while the weight is shifted. Freedom comes in all different ways, no matter how it comes about. One may never be free from themselves, condemned always by a rooted fear deep within. Once those nightmares shatter and the veil dissipates, it is like a new day arrives with a glimmer of what it means to be free. I'm bound by the chains of fear and pain, illness and worry. For a moment in time, I break free from those bindings to discover the me that is underneath the surface of darkness. Although perhaps it is brief, it summons a rising hope. For the future may hold a permanent freedom, a final peace to have and to hold all the days until the end.

Tonight's Blurb.

Well, I just got back from seeing Fast 6. I am surprised at how much I really liked it. I have come to really enjoy action movies, especially since dating the emperor of epic, adventure guy movies. I think it all started with my enjoyment for fantasy and sci-fi now it turned into just anything downright epic.  I have come to realize that if I reach outside of my comfort zone and try other things, I might actually surprise myself when I like it. Trying to embrace some of Mark's interests as well as our similar ones has seemed to be successful. I would never be playing League of Legends or Magic. I would never have expanded my palette for food or for movie genres and so on. I am trying to take each experience in my life and look at it under a microscope, if you will. After something happens, I hope to see if I grew from it, or waned from it. There just seems to be a happy medium here that exists because of my openness at trying new things. Since I feel as though it was a positive move, I will deem this a successful experience in how I reacted to something new. I know that Mark values that in a partner. Spontaneity, adventure, willingness to try new things; all something we each seek and we have found. There is not a single thing as of right now in our relationship that I would change. I only hope as time moves through and we enjoy life and heal from my ailments, that we will take this relationship to another level. When that happens, I will be forever grateful to whomever is out there looking over me that fated us back into each other's arms. As I lie my head down at night, I hope to be thankful for what I have taken from today. The reason I like to document things like I do is because tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day -- these memories will all be but a blur. Unless it is written and recorded so that it does itself justice with the raw energy and pureness that exudes from the very thought of it. Memories are way too precious to be lost. Memories and time are all we have. This moment is all that we are given.