Tonight.

Step one is admitting that you have a problem, right? Well, here it is. I have a problem...or two or three.
I took a few small baby steps today to help with my problems. First of all talking about what I think to be a problem could be the first order of business.
This house looks like a frat house, to put it bluntly. I am not sure whether it is my depression that links to this apathy or lack of motivatiom but it really sucks. The crazy part is that I can not stand it such a mess. I meam absolutely can not take it. But...I do nothing about it. I feel like I cant change it. Why? Because I know that I can. I say to myself I dont feel like it or ill do it all tomorrow. Procrastination has become an enemy of late. The more depressed I become the more I seem to lose myself. But today I did take a step. Small but true. I cleaned the kitchen - everything but the floor. Even the fridge got cleaned out.  I had plans to then finally do the litter but we were out of trash bags so I couldnt. But I also did some laundry just a few and I changed the sheets which I have been putting off. Like the sheets for example...I hateeeeeeed what they felt like. They felt dirty and crummy and everything. But..I felt like I didnt want to changed them or I couldnt because everything else in the house was a mess. Its really weird how the brain works when there is an imbalance. Thats my premature diagnosis anyways.
Another problem I am having believe it or not I just realized follows suit with the previous problem just this time it is my body. I am so sick of not having a shower at this house. I do know that I can take a bath it just isnt ideal and the tub isnt clean. But I feel dirty and oily and unclean. Tough skin and smelly feeling. I do nothing about it until I have to. If I had a shower here at home I would everyday. Now its every three to five. Only because theres no shower. I slack off on shaving..lotioning..tweezing. I miss making my hair pretty all the time. Everything like that. Im beginning to see a pattern.
Then there is a similar pattern to follow suit as well. I have the same feelings about my size.  I feel massive these days. My weight in Cleveland was horrid. It really msde me upset. I want to eat well and ne active so so so bad. I know the tools. I have a great partner to do it with. I just feel like I cant. Like I am defeated before I even start. I wish I could find the answers. I wish I could figure out why I cant seem to move forward with these problems that are holding me back.  

A simile.

It was nothing like anything I had ever done before. The feeling was unique to that moment. I especially loved being on the back when Mark was driving. He had my life in his hands, just like he has my heart. The metaphor was simple really and all too perfect. Gliding through the air at a speed like that, no one but him and fate to protect me. Something may seem a bit macabre about having life on the precipice of death only to be on the precipice of the meaning of life. A beautiful simile: to be free. Feeling free and reveling in it; an all consuming propulsion outwards into what we know as the world. Extrovertion commandeers; while the weight is shifted. Freedom comes in all different ways, no matter how it comes about. One may never be free from themselves, condemned always by a rooted fear deep within. Once those nightmares shatter and the veil dissipates, it is like a new day arrives with a glimmer of what it means to be free. I'm bound by the chains of fear and pain, illness and worry. For a moment in time, I break free from those bindings to discover the me that is underneath the surface of darkness. Although perhaps it is brief, it summons a rising hope. For the future may hold a permanent freedom, a final peace to have and to hold all the days until the end.

Tonight's Blurb.

Well, I just got back from seeing Fast 6. I am surprised at how much I really liked it. I have come to really enjoy action movies, especially since dating the emperor of epic, adventure guy movies. I think it all started with my enjoyment for fantasy and sci-fi now it turned into just anything downright epic.  I have come to realize that if I reach outside of my comfort zone and try other things, I might actually surprise myself when I like it. Trying to embrace some of Mark's interests as well as our similar ones has seemed to be successful. I would never be playing League of Legends or Magic. I would never have expanded my palette for food or for movie genres and so on. I am trying to take each experience in my life and look at it under a microscope, if you will. After something happens, I hope to see if I grew from it, or waned from it. There just seems to be a happy medium here that exists because of my openness at trying new things. Since I feel as though it was a positive move, I will deem this a successful experience in how I reacted to something new. I know that Mark values that in a partner. Spontaneity, adventure, willingness to try new things; all something we each seek and we have found. There is not a single thing as of right now in our relationship that I would change. I only hope as time moves through and we enjoy life and heal from my ailments, that we will take this relationship to another level. When that happens, I will be forever grateful to whomever is out there looking over me that fated us back into each other's arms. As I lie my head down at night, I hope to be thankful for what I have taken from today. The reason I like to document things like I do is because tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day -- these memories will all be but a blur. Unless it is written and recorded so that it does itself justice with the raw energy and pureness that exudes from the very thought of it. Memories are way too precious to be lost. Memories and time are all we have. This moment is all that we are given.

Daily Thought:

Although I haven't returned to a regular workout schedule,  I have been dieting with Mark. I have been cooking every day and making some of his favorite healthier meals. Southwest Chicken Salad, Tomato and Chicken Wheat Calzones, Buffalo Chicken, Chicken a la Spaghetti -- they have seemed to be a success. Our portioning is a bit big but wouldn't it be better to eat meals like that and snacks like banana and nutella rather than McDonalds for goodness sake. This country is so dependent on convenience and instant gratification. It happens to us so easily because we are always in a rush. Lately in order to cook and eat well I have been having to breathe deeply and slow myself down because we are all programmed to be go go go. My conquest is one that many of us share but only some are able to stick with. My weigh has fluctuated throughout being sick and I am completely tired of it. I no longer want to feel uncomfortablein my own skin. The diet or eating eell has come with much time and patience as well as prodding from the man I love for us both to cook and eat better. So when I am in the routine of cooking on a daily basis, I will then be able to start incorporating exercise without much hassle with myself. The strength physically that I used to have is not the same and so I get discouraged. But one day soon I will be able to be where I once was. I hope to enroll in a few classes in the coming weeks and with that I will get a gym membership. I look forward to both turning my life around. I was sick and still am but I know I can get better in all aspects if only I try.

An eloquent agreement with oneself.

There are times when words can not describe what you are feeling. All that can escape from you are waves of salty streams flowing down your cheeks, and thats okay. Sometimes you need to cry. There are those moments in life where the last straw has been broken and all we are left with is our vulnerable selves. No one ever said life would be simplistic, but when did it become second nature to accept that we aren't moving forward. The only way to feel and move on is to let it all in. Don't block out your emotions. All it will do is grasp onto your very breath and suffocate you, starting with your heart. The symbolism we all know to be love in our chest cavities. However split at the seams, however lost in the wilderness, we all deserve an epic adventure. Teaching onself to revel in what it is like to be human and experience life as if it was your last moment is one of the most difficult expenditures I have ever bestowed upon myself. An eloquent servitude of humanity and all its wonder. Such a fragile existences however shaken we may be, we remain strong. The monumentous occasion of self actualization doesn't come with instant gratification but with a coy hint of patience. At times it can be frustrating. To know that all our lives we are nothing but an uphill battle until we reach the fulfillment of our true destiny. The rare occasion of forseeing one's fate is only accomplished by few in a lifetime. To have a story to pass on and a livelihood to be cherished is an eventual goal we all can admire.

Long Time No Blog.

Well, it's been awhile. Not that there are enough excuses etched on my soul already, but here are some excuses. I haven't been myself or let myself have the time that I deserve to write. I have also written for some time in a journal, you know the old fashioned way. It was something a little more private I was dealing with so I wanted to get through that during such a difficult time. Which times aren't difficult though, I mean really.

Weight loss for me is an uphill battle. When I say weight loss, I guess intent to lose must be there. I know that I want to; it's just I don't think I have been mentally ready for it. I know that I am not the size that I want to be. I know that this is almost the heaviest of my life and I want to change it. My boyfriend and I both want to be fit. We both have been before and know it is possible.

My health has been all over the map. Just absolutely terrible news all around and something that I'm trying to deal with but on a more private scale I guess. My mom and Mark have been more than everything I need to keep me on track as far as that stuff goes.

I have a lot of different sides to me, which attributes to being passionate about many things. This truly can be a double-edge sword. Aside from being a bit preoccupied with my health and family, I seem to overbook myself. I feel like I let everyone down all the time, failing you all. There isn't a single reason that I would want to fall short but it seems like I do in everything I touch. If someone could tell me something I do right, I would give them a puppy.

Think of Me is on Pandora right now. It's a Classical piece from the 90s. It makes me feel emotional and full of thoughts and energy and inspiration when I hear it. I turned off the lyrical music because all it does when I'm trying to write is distract me. Now when I am trying to clean or something like that, don't put Classical on, I will most definitely want to write or meditate and that isn't good.

As I was having a break down today, I took it out on the person I least want to. I feel terrible for it, even though I already apologized to him and we are just fine. I just needed to cool off and do something for myself without someone needing to hold my hand. I went ahead and took myself to the mall and got a pedicure. For some reason that is something that makes me relax and calm down. I was bawling my eyes out before I left. Sometimes in life, things are way too overwhelming for someone to handle. I doubt that I truly let it all sink in and I feel like lately it has all been hitting me. So what I did was get a pedicure then go to find some gym shorts.

As a sat in those chairs waiting for the little man to come over and get started, all I was thinking about is my size. How I couldn't believe how big I have gotten. I got weighed again at the doctors and I was just ashamed. I know that it is just a number but it sure hits you hard when you see something like that. I made the decision as I was sitting there that I would go and look for workout shorts after this because mine are all old or just meh looking on me. Well, I found a special for buy one get one half off. This made me happy because I know that I need to have something for me to wear and feel comfortable in while dancing, etc.

My mom and sister were out shopping too and they just got here to her house so I'm going to get back into reality now, but I want to begin writing again. It brings me happiness and damnit, I'm gonna do it!

When all else fails, laughter is the best medicine!

Salt on blades.

Like needles it overtakes me.

A shattering to my very core,

Coursing throughout

Like salt on blades

Into the vein.

Every more paralyzing

Every time.

Constrict me.

Confine me

To the deepest burn.

With each sear

Draw a tear

An unholy field

that yearns for growth.