Blissful Quest.

The older I get the more I realize that silence is a blessing. I never get peace and quiet. The busy facade of our society drives me crazy. I wish I could find a way of life where the moments matter. Not everything is in rushed real time. Where everything was allowed to flow in and out of us and around us as organically as possible. Nothing comes easy. Peace you must search for, but haven't I been searching for inner peace for far too long? Surrounding ourselves with positive people is a huge step; however, we must first exude only positivity individually first. In order to do so, these inner demons need to be flushed out. The demons are simply a metaphor for what has latched on to our personalities, thoughts, or behaviors to debilitating us. Everyone has these set backs, but after all this time with everything I have been through wouldn't one begin to think..am I ever going to be okay? Am I ever going to simply become what I strive to be? Naturally. Organically. No medications or therapy. Simply blissful existence. That is what I can not seem to extinguish. The fire in me to find a blissful existence. How to get there is the question. Everyone has the answers to when you should have baby or get married but does anyone truly understand the concept of inner peace? Does anyone really feel true comfort in knowing themselves and who and what they represent? Some of the most amazing cultures and religions follow doctrine and still are not able to obtain this sheer beauty of a simple soul. Ay times I feel as though the journey for salvation goes hand in hand with inner peace. One can not simply have one without the other. Turning to God or a higher powrr in a time of great loss or confusion is what sets many people at ease. There is nothing more that I hope for other than inner peace abd a dimple existence.

New years.

I saw a quote tonight that I deem appropriate for the mood I am in. Giving that it is a new year with new promises and hopes looming in the air, I want to include this quote in my thoughts of the night.
Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.
I saw this and it got me thinking. I want to start so many things in 2014. Change for the better and what not. I hope to write everything down tomorrow. January 1st. A chance at a new beginning.

Nashville; day one.

Mark and I left for Nashville at 1am on Saturday..so it was really still our Friday. December isn't the typical vacation month, but for us it seems to be a yearly thing and it actually is nice. I hope to have a summer vacation though as well. Anyways, Mark and I switched off driving through the night. Two hours here and two hours there. It wasn't too bad of a drive at all. We stopped to stretch, fuel up, and use the restroom but otherwise we were on a mission. We arrived at the Hotel Preston at about 9am. I wasnt sure if we could check in that early considering our check in time was supposed to be 3pm. But the nice front desk people got us right in. We stayed in 301, right off the elevator that required a key swipe for usage. That was different! Well, we got all situated and took a nice long nap. After we were all rested up and freshened up we headed to downtown. We went to the Parthenon. It is a full size replica of that which is in Greece. It was amazing and massive! We had some foreigners take our photo a few times. Stay tuned for those!
There we looked around for a place to eat.  After walking around taking in the sights and sounds of music row we decided to check out a place that drew us in called Tequila Cowboy. The place had a band playing and the food smelled good. We hadn't eaten much since 5am when we had what I thought to be the worst breakfast sandwich N.A. Not impressed at first glance at their lack of choices on the menu..nonetheless we decided to have a small meal then save room for a fancy dinner on Monday before we head back north. 
Boy, I learned my lesson. If a place has only a few options its probably because they are phenomenal.  I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and Mark an American burger. We both said it was hands down the very best burger either of us have ever had. We enjoyed the taste of authentic southern burger as well as the sounds of some country songs we both secretly love.
We walked around for awhile checking out a store or two but the rain started. We didn't want to be out in that walking aimlessly with no plan but also all the sudden I turned into grandma Alison.  I had this epic awful cramp in my back as I hobbled to the vehicle. So we decided to let the rain settle and get back and rest for awhile. I thought may be sitting in the car for hours then walking a bunch then sitting on a bar stools for a couple hours I guess is what did it.
We get back to the hotel to the comfy soft blankets and get all cozy together. Mark rubbed my back where it was cramped and made it better. So it then turned into massages and love making; some of the most passionate of sorts in many moons. So that made us fall asleep and nap with a smile.
Sleepy heads decided to wake up an hour or so later and head back downtown for a nice dinner. Well being tourists and indecisive individuals we took forever to decide. We ended up near music row again at a place we thought about earlier called Demos'. Oh my god. Talk about amazing!
I ordered sweet tea only to get unsweetened tea with a sugar water syrup that you add as needed to make the perfect tea for you. It was absolutely amazing! Best tea NA! Anyway, next our waiter Sulley is really hands down no joke without a doubt the best best best waiter we or I have ever had. The nicest, most helpful, most eloquent and descriptive server as well. We both ordered steaks. Mark a medium rare ribeye and me a filet mignon compressed by bacon. You can even get any of their pastas as a side! What?! Phenomenal!  Alfredo for me...delish! Overall such an amazing impression of Nashville. Oh and did I mention the prices?! It was only $30 for us two. As opposed to some other places didn't even have anything on the menu for under that price per person. We will definitely have to stop back before we go.
Well at about 11 we headed back to the hotel where we watched some twitch tv league of legends together and cuddled and bonded over what is some time that we have very much needed. Now we are off to sleep! The game is at noon and we want to make it to breakfast before!

Thoughts of the Innermost.

There's that moment where you want to ask yourself what the hell do you think you are doing. You wish you could step outside your body and see your life like a diahramma, you know those weird shoebox-on-its-side scenes from a novel or event that we had to make in Ms. Smoulder's 2nd grade class. If I could see my perplex life in a frozen set, what would I think? What questions could be asked; what conclusions could be drawn? Who would be the protagonist? The antagonist? What plot would be able to created just by a look into this hectic, somewhat awry lifestyle I lead?

At times I begin to think I am losing it. Slipping through the cracks of sanity and down into a much darker existence we know as asylum. The loss of consciousness for what is and what isn't overwhelms and weakens the conscious mind. Blurred senses and diminished capabilities all bundled up together like a cornucopia of broken toys. Only these toys are not real. They are but personified humanity.

The real question is why over analyze if there is no real clearing up ahead. Nothing will be solved by drudging through everything over and over again. Lay it to rest for the night and drift off to a better place. Dreams will carry you there.

Forgot to post you, you little random poem you.

There once was a shadow that needed a place to stay.
I told him he wasn't welcome, but he stayed anyway.
Making the heart heavy and soul full of guilt,
A place of sadness for blood that was spilt.
Nothing made sense with him around.
No sunshine cascading, no hope to be found.
This sad little shadow though small in size,
Was a daily reminded of an imminent demise.
A broken and damned husk of a being
With no regard for how life really should be.
Shadows aren't welcome in a heart made of gold.
Their presence changes a spirit from young to old.
One day it will leave me, but until then..
I will wait in the wings. Not knowing when.

Venting session: WARNING...there may be grammatical errors.

I am so fucking sick of being unappreciated and talked down to. I feel like no one has any sense of respect anymore. The one thing that I can't stand is being ignored. Ignoring someone is under-appreciating them. They are taking the time to talk to you and tell you how they feel or ask you to do something and you just sit there because what you are doing is so much more important. Today's society has NO regards for humanity. Communication, technology has ripped that away. I feel like I have no personal relationships anymore. A friend of mine reminded me what it was like to actually do something instead of it having to be involved with a screen. I love my technology and am thankful for it because it's fun and convenient, but honestly if I could live back in the times of the Native Americans, I would trade that in a heartbeat. I love the earth. I love relationships and people. I love talking for the sake of talking. I love story telling and sharing of experiences and life. There is one thing I feel as though I am missing in this live that I am living and that is a sense of self strong enough to encompass all that I want to be. I want to be able to be strong enough to achieve the things I want to achieve and do the things I want to do. There is nothing more frustrating that feeling like you can't be yourself because of the people around you. All of this might seem like I am hopping and jumping subjects, but really they are all relative to how I am feeling right now. I don't think anyone reading this would understand or even feels the same way. But if there is someone, please reach out to me. I would love to have someone to talk to about this. End of venting session number one of the day.

All because I slept.

If ever there was a time to start blogging again, it would be now. Everything is fresh in my mind. I can watch it all like a movie on the big screen.

Conscience and subconscience working together to bring the onslaught of a thousand washed up hopes. I wonder, ponder, worry, and despair over it all. As my other thoughts that lie below the surface are shufted into nightmares, dreams of a sort.

How can the mind be so powerful to recall your worries as you sleep? It personifies all of our deepest fears and desires, nearly mocking us into a fainted reality only to be woken by the sun as it rises overhead. Never did I feel more defeated but when these hauntings consume me. Mood and feeling are altered by the mere accusation that all could be lost in a simple instant. It could come back.

I assure you, there would be no parade or welcome as it arrived to settle in. The burning, aching fear still lives within me. Does anyone even know or care to notice? Or do I walk around with a sign on my face and all those who I thought would care simply are used to the sign. Peace is a stranger. I wish it were different.

Venting

Writing is something I haven't been taking part in lately unfortunately.  I definitely need to be though. I have to vent somehow. Where to start? Can I even explain what my thoughts are? I'm orobably going to have to keep this orivate because of my frustration that will shine through.

Rest peacefully <3

As I sit here in your sitting room, I am speechless. The echos off the walls are deafening even in the silence. I can almost hear my beating heart as I wait for you to walk through the doorway. But you are not here. The transcending spirit and presence hangs heavy on our hearts. Nothing is clear anymore. How does life go on, when all our worlds have stopped? A life so precious and whole, it seemed surreal.

To the four corners of the universe you walked, leaving your footprint on the soil. How lucky the earth has been. With every step you impressed your gracious favor. Scholar with helping hands and mother to all by virtue - your guidance and generosity illuminates us still. Always watch over us. Remind us to use proper grammar or just the right ingredient. Enable us to become a fraction of the human being you were. Guide our hands and our hearts, as we become mothers and fathers over the years. Look upon us throughout our lives as we hope to make you proud all the days of our lives.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick Part II

Sometimes there really isn't much you can say to a person. Other times all you want to do is cuss them out like Sailor from NYC. (Anyone who knows a sailor or a NY native knows what I mean.) The people who usually fall under either situation are probably being a dick in some way. When I say probably, I mean they definitely are.
When someone close to you is being a dick you can handle the situation either of the above mentioned ways. There are times when I start out with the silent treatment, because anything you say to them is breath otherwise wasted. Then there are other times where you can't help but play therapist. You genuinely want to help correct their dick-ism but they just aren't having it.
Then you must resort to freaking out on them and yelling obscenities at them to get them to come to earth. Telling them you won't sit with them and eat biscuits at BoJangles, when they're sad, anymore because they're being a dick.. sometimes really works.
Whatever the case may be people need to understand one thing..everything you say or do...look or feel affects..someone else. Whether you want to admit it or not, you googling something changes you. As does going to Kroger instead of Wal-Mart. Everything has its own equal and individual repercussions. This usually gives someone the fuel to either be a good person or even just normal cool human being or to live in the land of being a dick.
On a more serious note, I need to say that I really want to write about something that happened to me tonight specifically. It needs to be a separate blog because it is very involved, emotional, and needs thought more than I can put in on just a blogger app. But the subject falls into the trend of "Living in the Land of Being a Dick" because it is about someone who should reside there. It is about a disrespect that has manifested for years but is now being shown with a magnitude I never thought possible.

To be continued...
In conclusion ladies and gents, stop being a dick. And if you aren't then people who are being dicks to you in your life remember how to deal with them. Stop letting them float on their dick train and ruin you or your day.

Living in the Land of Being a Dick.

There is almost nothing positive I see going on in this world these days. I take everything in stride after I've been through hell and back, but it is almost impossible to remain optimistic about the world today. It wouldn't be such a big deal if strangers were being dicks to you but when it is people you have to deal with only a regular basis, that just isn't cutting it for me. Whether it be your co-workers, your best friend, your fellow student peers, your brother, your favorite local waitress - these tantrums, these childish activities, this lack of responsibility, the apathy that people all around me display on a daily or sometimes even momentary basis is absurd to me. Who woke up and said hey I'm going to be a dick to my "bestfriendsisterpeerwhatever" today? I sure don't do that. The funny thing is then when they switch out of this pathetic dick mode, they almost expect you to greet them with a fucking parade like hey I'm back from the land of being a dick let's go for coffee. Uhm, no. Sorry I am not a sell out for a cheap mochachino, okay. Your behavior goes way beyond the realms of normal and if this was the 1700s I would put you in a guillotine. Maybe just to scare you but if you hurt me or my feelings, then fuck you chop that head off or hang you for witchcraft. My main purpose of this rant is to serve as an example and maybe wake someone up who is being a dick. Okay I have a final exam tomorrow so I need to stop my rant and sleep. But all of you being a dick and living in the land of ultimate dicks, stop or you are gonna lose really great people from your life.

Tonight.

Step one is admitting that you have a problem, right? Well, here it is. I have a problem...or two or three.
I took a few small baby steps today to help with my problems. First of all talking about what I think to be a problem could be the first order of business.
This house looks like a frat house, to put it bluntly. I am not sure whether it is my depression that links to this apathy or lack of motivatiom but it really sucks. The crazy part is that I can not stand it such a mess. I meam absolutely can not take it. But...I do nothing about it. I feel like I cant change it. Why? Because I know that I can. I say to myself I dont feel like it or ill do it all tomorrow. Procrastination has become an enemy of late. The more depressed I become the more I seem to lose myself. But today I did take a step. Small but true. I cleaned the kitchen - everything but the floor. Even the fridge got cleaned out.  I had plans to then finally do the litter but we were out of trash bags so I couldnt. But I also did some laundry just a few and I changed the sheets which I have been putting off. Like the sheets for example...I hateeeeeeed what they felt like. They felt dirty and crummy and everything. But..I felt like I didnt want to changed them or I couldnt because everything else in the house was a mess. Its really weird how the brain works when there is an imbalance. Thats my premature diagnosis anyways.
Another problem I am having believe it or not I just realized follows suit with the previous problem just this time it is my body. I am so sick of not having a shower at this house. I do know that I can take a bath it just isnt ideal and the tub isnt clean. But I feel dirty and oily and unclean. Tough skin and smelly feeling. I do nothing about it until I have to. If I had a shower here at home I would everyday. Now its every three to five. Only because theres no shower. I slack off on shaving..lotioning..tweezing. I miss making my hair pretty all the time. Everything like that. Im beginning to see a pattern.
Then there is a similar pattern to follow suit as well. I have the same feelings about my size.  I feel massive these days. My weight in Cleveland was horrid. It really msde me upset. I want to eat well and ne active so so so bad. I know the tools. I have a great partner to do it with. I just feel like I cant. Like I am defeated before I even start. I wish I could find the answers. I wish I could figure out why I cant seem to move forward with these problems that are holding me back.  

A simile.

It was nothing like anything I had ever done before. The feeling was unique to that moment. I especially loved being on the back when Mark was driving. He had my life in his hands, just like he has my heart. The metaphor was simple really and all too perfect. Gliding through the air at a speed like that, no one but him and fate to protect me. Something may seem a bit macabre about having life on the precipice of death only to be on the precipice of the meaning of life. A beautiful simile: to be free. Feeling free and reveling in it; an all consuming propulsion outwards into what we know as the world. Extrovertion commandeers; while the weight is shifted. Freedom comes in all different ways, no matter how it comes about. One may never be free from themselves, condemned always by a rooted fear deep within. Once those nightmares shatter and the veil dissipates, it is like a new day arrives with a glimmer of what it means to be free. I'm bound by the chains of fear and pain, illness and worry. For a moment in time, I break free from those bindings to discover the me that is underneath the surface of darkness. Although perhaps it is brief, it summons a rising hope. For the future may hold a permanent freedom, a final peace to have and to hold all the days until the end.

Tonight's Blurb.

Well, I just got back from seeing Fast 6. I am surprised at how much I really liked it. I have come to really enjoy action movies, especially since dating the emperor of epic, adventure guy movies. I think it all started with my enjoyment for fantasy and sci-fi now it turned into just anything downright epic.  I have come to realize that if I reach outside of my comfort zone and try other things, I might actually surprise myself when I like it. Trying to embrace some of Mark's interests as well as our similar ones has seemed to be successful. I would never be playing League of Legends or Magic. I would never have expanded my palette for food or for movie genres and so on. I am trying to take each experience in my life and look at it under a microscope, if you will. After something happens, I hope to see if I grew from it, or waned from it. There just seems to be a happy medium here that exists because of my openness at trying new things. Since I feel as though it was a positive move, I will deem this a successful experience in how I reacted to something new. I know that Mark values that in a partner. Spontaneity, adventure, willingness to try new things; all something we each seek and we have found. There is not a single thing as of right now in our relationship that I would change. I only hope as time moves through and we enjoy life and heal from my ailments, that we will take this relationship to another level. When that happens, I will be forever grateful to whomever is out there looking over me that fated us back into each other's arms. As I lie my head down at night, I hope to be thankful for what I have taken from today. The reason I like to document things like I do is because tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day -- these memories will all be but a blur. Unless it is written and recorded so that it does itself justice with the raw energy and pureness that exudes from the very thought of it. Memories are way too precious to be lost. Memories and time are all we have. This moment is all that we are given.

Daily Thought:

Although I haven't returned to a regular workout schedule,  I have been dieting with Mark. I have been cooking every day and making some of his favorite healthier meals. Southwest Chicken Salad, Tomato and Chicken Wheat Calzones, Buffalo Chicken, Chicken a la Spaghetti -- they have seemed to be a success. Our portioning is a bit big but wouldn't it be better to eat meals like that and snacks like banana and nutella rather than McDonalds for goodness sake. This country is so dependent on convenience and instant gratification. It happens to us so easily because we are always in a rush. Lately in order to cook and eat well I have been having to breathe deeply and slow myself down because we are all programmed to be go go go. My conquest is one that many of us share but only some are able to stick with. My weigh has fluctuated throughout being sick and I am completely tired of it. I no longer want to feel uncomfortablein my own skin. The diet or eating eell has come with much time and patience as well as prodding from the man I love for us both to cook and eat better. So when I am in the routine of cooking on a daily basis, I will then be able to start incorporating exercise without much hassle with myself. The strength physically that I used to have is not the same and so I get discouraged. But one day soon I will be able to be where I once was. I hope to enroll in a few classes in the coming weeks and with that I will get a gym membership. I look forward to both turning my life around. I was sick and still am but I know I can get better in all aspects if only I try.

An eloquent agreement with oneself.

There are times when words can not describe what you are feeling. All that can escape from you are waves of salty streams flowing down your cheeks, and thats okay. Sometimes you need to cry. There are those moments in life where the last straw has been broken and all we are left with is our vulnerable selves. No one ever said life would be simplistic, but when did it become second nature to accept that we aren't moving forward. The only way to feel and move on is to let it all in. Don't block out your emotions. All it will do is grasp onto your very breath and suffocate you, starting with your heart. The symbolism we all know to be love in our chest cavities. However split at the seams, however lost in the wilderness, we all deserve an epic adventure. Teaching onself to revel in what it is like to be human and experience life as if it was your last moment is one of the most difficult expenditures I have ever bestowed upon myself. An eloquent servitude of humanity and all its wonder. Such a fragile existences however shaken we may be, we remain strong. The monumentous occasion of self actualization doesn't come with instant gratification but with a coy hint of patience. At times it can be frustrating. To know that all our lives we are nothing but an uphill battle until we reach the fulfillment of our true destiny. The rare occasion of forseeing one's fate is only accomplished by few in a lifetime. To have a story to pass on and a livelihood to be cherished is an eventual goal we all can admire.

Long Time No Blog.

Well, it's been awhile. Not that there are enough excuses etched on my soul already, but here are some excuses. I haven't been myself or let myself have the time that I deserve to write. I have also written for some time in a journal, you know the old fashioned way. It was something a little more private I was dealing with so I wanted to get through that during such a difficult time. Which times aren't difficult though, I mean really.

Weight loss for me is an uphill battle. When I say weight loss, I guess intent to lose must be there. I know that I want to; it's just I don't think I have been mentally ready for it. I know that I am not the size that I want to be. I know that this is almost the heaviest of my life and I want to change it. My boyfriend and I both want to be fit. We both have been before and know it is possible.

My health has been all over the map. Just absolutely terrible news all around and something that I'm trying to deal with but on a more private scale I guess. My mom and Mark have been more than everything I need to keep me on track as far as that stuff goes.

I have a lot of different sides to me, which attributes to being passionate about many things. This truly can be a double-edge sword. Aside from being a bit preoccupied with my health and family, I seem to overbook myself. I feel like I let everyone down all the time, failing you all. There isn't a single reason that I would want to fall short but it seems like I do in everything I touch. If someone could tell me something I do right, I would give them a puppy.

Think of Me is on Pandora right now. It's a Classical piece from the 90s. It makes me feel emotional and full of thoughts and energy and inspiration when I hear it. I turned off the lyrical music because all it does when I'm trying to write is distract me. Now when I am trying to clean or something like that, don't put Classical on, I will most definitely want to write or meditate and that isn't good.

As I was having a break down today, I took it out on the person I least want to. I feel terrible for it, even though I already apologized to him and we are just fine. I just needed to cool off and do something for myself without someone needing to hold my hand. I went ahead and took myself to the mall and got a pedicure. For some reason that is something that makes me relax and calm down. I was bawling my eyes out before I left. Sometimes in life, things are way too overwhelming for someone to handle. I doubt that I truly let it all sink in and I feel like lately it has all been hitting me. So what I did was get a pedicure then go to find some gym shorts.

As a sat in those chairs waiting for the little man to come over and get started, all I was thinking about is my size. How I couldn't believe how big I have gotten. I got weighed again at the doctors and I was just ashamed. I know that it is just a number but it sure hits you hard when you see something like that. I made the decision as I was sitting there that I would go and look for workout shorts after this because mine are all old or just meh looking on me. Well, I found a special for buy one get one half off. This made me happy because I know that I need to have something for me to wear and feel comfortable in while dancing, etc.

My mom and sister were out shopping too and they just got here to her house so I'm going to get back into reality now, but I want to begin writing again. It brings me happiness and damnit, I'm gonna do it!

When all else fails, laughter is the best medicine!

Salt on blades.

Like needles it overtakes me.

A shattering to my very core,

Coursing throughout

Like salt on blades

Into the vein.

Every more paralyzing

Every time.

Constrict me.

Confine me

To the deepest burn.

With each sear

Draw a tear

An unholy field

that yearns for growth.

Drown.

Intake of breath;

Nothing but water fills my lungs

As I sink to the bottom.

All hope is lost.

The darkness, the coldness

Consumes.

Shiver from the very thought.

Shake off a feeling so haunted.

Place on a face,

Of a happier day

When all wasn't lost in the ocean.

The Senses.

Music frees me, sets my ambition on fire, allows me to release the core desires deep within me. The gift of music has been absent from my life with much haste.

The way the smoke cascades rippling iridescently in the air gives me a sense of awe and wonder. Calming veil rising and falling around the lace patterned candle holder, another wonder. To learn from smoke, we all could absorb its carefree quality. Oh, what a beautiful earth we would inhabit.

Listening to the notes, the angelic voice, the soft melody of a love song begging my trembling voice to accompany. "I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I've loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more."

The sweet herb smell of the inscence relaxes the body without force. Annabelle, my beautiful fluffy baby, is so soft. Her purring scaling with each petting motion on her velvety fur. Each sense being stimulated positively by a simple moment to stop in our busy days and just enjoy.